If you ever hope to find your soul mate and "make love", I suggest you don't turn sex into a spectator sport.
Be a rebel. Stand up for sex as God intended. Stand up against porn.
…
Jesus Christ clarified and reinforced God's commandments and made it clear: become perfectly "one" (echad) with one person forever or live your life like you don't have genitals. (Matthew 19:1-12)
If you don't have genitals, bye-bye libido; you won't be pleasuring yourself while you watch other people fornicate.
How "intimate" or "unifying" or "sacred" can something be if you share it with multiple people and engage in it as a spectator sport?
Although lust is as old as the fall of man, people survived without pornography for thousands of years. Why should it be "normal" or "expected" that men (or women) use porn?
Pornography wasn't always considered an acceptable thing. It used to be sold in stores with the covers of the magazines hidden. It was something shameful. Simply, the use of pornography has become prevalent enough for long enough that people aren't shocked by it.
It's just something that many have gotten used to and justified.
"A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defense of custom."
-Thomas Paine, Common Sense
Like cigarettes, sometimes it doesn't matter if something is obviously unhealthy and destructive. If something provides some kind of pleasurable/desirable effect, even if it is a scientifically proven to be deadly, some people will keep doing it and will make excuses for it.
...
Humor me by considering this metaphor.
If a soldier intentionally pushes a button to command a drone, hundreds of miles a way, to kill someone; did that soldier make the kill? Is he responsible? Or is he not responsible because he/she didn't stab the enemy with a bayonet and there is no blood on his hands?
I'm glad your computer screen/television/magazine makes you feel more comfortable but it doesn't make you any more righteous. Would you pay prostitutes to have sexual intercourse in your living room so that you could watch and pleasure yourself?
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
-The words of Jesus Christ from the Sermon on the Mount Matthew 5:27-30
...
Would you want your husband or wife to work in porn? How about your girlfriend or boyfriend? Would you want your brother or sister to work in porn? How about your son or daughter?
Forgetting the golden rule are you?
"Do unto others as you would have done unto you."- Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31
If you wouldn't want your husband/wife or girlfriend/boyfriend, or brother/sister, or son/daughter to sell their bodies and be violated/defiled for other people's sexual pleasure- don't be part of the violation and defilement of others. That is malicious prejudice. Just because you don't know certain people personally, their bodies aren't sacred? Their dignity isn't worth anything to you? Their honor?
What about your honor?
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10
Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone.
1 Peter 2:16-17
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
Hebrews 13:4
I've shared this picture before, but I just love it. Source here.
This is my paternal grandfather with my brother. A picture is worth a thousand words. My grandfather's shirt in this picture speaks volumes about a certain family legacy.
A legacy that may likely be yours too.
Pornography has been on my mind a lot lately with recent debates/discussions about the explicit sexual content on the HBO television series Games of Thrones. I have an extremely low tolerance level for explicit sexual content (as any reader of this blog shouldn't find surprising). Games of Thrones shows as much nudity as Playboy magazine and displays it as erotically as Playboy does with the majority of nude scenes being simulated sex scenes. The nudity is almost always strictly female. The gender disparity makes it obvious to me that the nudity is there largely to serve as arousing content for male viewers. If the television show was only trying to present the books exactly as written by George R. R. Martin, why wouldn't the sex scenes show the nudity of all of the characters involved without prejudice? Why are the women's bodies exploited while the men's bodies are not? Because the content is there to be arousing and, statistically speaking, pornography is preferred by more men than women. The creators of the show are catering to the lust of its male viewers. I think it is important to note that of the 8 characters shown with full frontal nudity in season three of Games of Thrones, only one was a man and he was shown briefly in a scene depicting two male lovers. You can find the source of that info here.
The pornographic content in Games of Thrones is not there just to tell the story (as many of its proponents have argued) it is there to be titillating to the demographics watching the show that are most likely to enjoy and be aroused by the sexually explicit content. Perhaps you can somehow watch the content without becoming aroused, but I can't. Arousal is a biological reaction to sexual stimuli (visual or otherwise) and isn't something one can control; you can only control your exposure and how you respond to temptation. I would find it very difficult to believe that the majority of people watching the show do not find the content arousing. However, even if you did not personally find the content to be arousing, by watching the show you are condoning and participating in the exploitation, degradation, and objectification of something that God designed to be sacred.
This being said, I am sad and shocked by how main stream and accepted pornography has become not only in our secular society but also in the Christian community. I know many brothers and sisters in Christ who justify this exploitation of our bodies.
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
You may think I'm being judgmental. Well, we are told in the Bible to hold fellow Christians accountable to God's commandments and Christ's teaching. It is people outside of the church whose sexuality is not our business. As the Apostle Paul said,
I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world.But now I am writing to you not to abide by anyone who bears the name of brother (the Greek word originally used here referred to "brothers and sisters of the faith") if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler.For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?God judges those outside.
1 Corinthians 5:9-13
If we share the same faith and consider each other spiritual brothers and sisters, we are supposed to hold each other accountable.
Christ told us that if we loved Him than we would obey His teaching (John 14:15-23), and during His most famous message (the Sermon on the Mount) Christ taught that lust was a sin as grave as adultery (Matthew 5:27-30). In this passage, Christ quotes the 6th Commandment "thou shalt not commit adultery." The Catholic church's catechism links all sexuality to this commandment stating:
"Jesus came to restore creation to the purity of its origins. In the Sermon on the Mount, he interprets God's plan strictly: "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." What God has joined together, let not man put asunder. The tradition of the Church has understood the sixth commandment as encompassing the whole of human sexuality."
This was one of the most exciting things I've ever read. I have always felt that way and had not previously heard that principle articulated so perfectly. It is made clear in the Bible that sex was meant to facilitate perfect one-ness in marriage (echad). Anything that detracts from the sacred, eternally intimate, and spiritual nature of sex is considered a perversion and sin. Even if you aren't Catholic (I'm not either), please read their doctrine on sexuality- it is truly beautiful. You can find it here.
The main goal of this post is to provide you with my general perspective and several sources like the Catholic catechism which I find invaluable in the effort to understand how truly damaging pornography is. The most important source I am going to share with you is the following video, The Porn Path. If you are a mobile user you can find the video here. If you want to listen instead of watch, all you need to do is download the Mars Hill app on your phone and you will find it under the "Real Marriage" sermon series.
This message is part of a sermon series by Pastor Mark Driscoll and it features Crissy Moran. Crissy Moran was a very successful porn star from 1999 to 2006. You can find a non-graphic summary of her career on wikipedia here. Gorgeous isn't she? I hate thinking she or others ever treated her soul and body as less than precious and sacred. She came to Christ after a life of what she calls "sexual broken-ness" and now speaks out about the destructive nature of porn. I highly recommend not googling her name. She was unable to buy her way out of contracts with various sites and much of her pornographic career is still on the internet. The internet is not as gracious as God to forgive and forget (Hebrews 8:12). You can find the only website she is in control of at newcrissymoran.com. She does amazing ministry work now. She also got married a year or so ago to a man who loves and appreciates her as God intended-So,so happy for her.
In The Porn Path, Crissy's testimony is incredibly brave, and the commentary by Mark Driscoll is spiritually truthful and scientifically and statistically correct. The only fact he quotes in this message that I was unable to confirm online by a secular source was that pornography generates more revenue than all pro sports. However, the Kinsey Institute (which pioneered the sexual revolution in the 1960's and is the farthest thing from a conservative Christian organization) reports that pornography generates more revenue than ABC, CBS, and NBC combined (source here) which is no less staggering a statistic.
On a personal note:
I have a home video of one of my birthdays. I was maybe four or five...
I open up the gift of a Jasmine costume from Disney's Aladdin, and put the shoes on right away and run around clutching the rest of my costume saying, "Thank you! Oh thank you, thank you, mama!" I was obsessed with Aladdin. My mom and my sisters laugh and then I run to the person holding the camera, look up into it and say, "Thank you, daddy!" My mom then says to my cousin who is filming, "I am so glad you are filming this so Bob can see this when he gets back." My dad was on a trip to see his brother, I think. My cousin laughs and says, "Yeah, Bob can watch it in between his porno's."
I grew up with a father who was proud of his lust and infidelity and didn't hide it. Although he did not live with us, he encouraged it in his children- giving pornographic magazines to my brother. I was first exposed to porn at a very young age, accidentally. You can imagine the deep impact on a young girl to have a father who sanctioned the objectification of women's bodies and sexuality. When I was 12, we were driving home from a fishing trip and he told me, "Women want a roof over their head and men want a place to put their penis." I kid you not. There are many similar stories I could tell, but I won't. Now, I worked very hard to not see this kind of sexual appetite and objectification as "typical" of men. However, too often in my own personal experience, I am surprised to find this to be true. As someone who tries to see the sacred in everyone around me and desiring very much to be seen as sacred by those around me, I find this very discouraging- devastating really. Now, my father is not a Christian, and I am aware that he is on the extreme end of the sexual immorality spectrum; but I know too many people who say that they are Christians and don't consider the sacred nature of their bodies and sex as clearly stated by God and Jesus Christ. It is worth considering, so please do.
Important note:
Even though pornography is used by more men than women, it is by no means just a male issue. Many of us women enjoy or have a history of enjoying porn. Thats right, I am including myself. Because of my father and all the porn lying around, I was exposed at a young age (before I even knew what "sex" was) and had two years of my life that were absolutely dominated by over-sexualization and a deep craving to look at porn all the time which was quite easy to obtain second-hand. Although I am a virgin and have kept my purity intact for the most part, I had a sick and sinful sexual fantasy life for a long time. Porn definitely isn't just for men; the idea that its a gender exclusive sin, is a real injustice to men and doesn't adequately address the moral issue of pornography. I greatly enjoyed looking at the naked male form and fantasizing and other accompanying activities. We all have a natural curiosity and biological sexuality that is easily exploited, perverted, and abused (which is why we all have to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23) and flee temptation (Ephesians 5:3). The average kid sees porn for the first time by age 11; talk to your kids before its too late!!!
After two years of really enjoying porn in secret, despite a growing sense of guilt, I finally couldn't ignore my conscience anymore. Even though no one had ever talked to me about sex or sexual morality yet, I knew that what I was doing was wrong and unhealthy. I was too guilty and embarrassed to talk to anyone about it, so what did I do? I consulted scripture; I read every single thing in the Bible about sex. The result of that is what I truly believe is a God-given and God-honoring understanding of sex which I share in this blog. I had entirely stopped using porn by the time I was 12 years old and have been as I am now, since then. I tell you this so you know that I'm not just some naive virgin condemning things I know nothing about. It was HARD to stop using porn and the related activities (fantasizing, and etc "ehem"). I can personally attest to the fact that everything in The Porn Path video regarding how porn impacts the reward-center of the brain is true. However, thanks to God leading me in knowledge and grace, my mind is entirely renewed.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2
My mind is so free from lust that it rarely even pops up in my subconscious. I am very proud to say that once I had a dream about the lovely Robert Downey Jr. and all my subconscious did was play boardgames with him and his wife. Now, we can't be entirely responsible for our subconscious, but I am just so GLAD that God has worked in me so much that even my subconscious is devoted to keeping my desire for my future husband. I don't care if you think I'm lame. I don't want my future husband to worry that I am lusting after Robert Downey Jr. or anybody else. I don't want to lust after anyone! We are called to regard everyone around us as brothers and sisters "in all purity" (1 Timothy 5:1-2). Do you lust after your sister or brother? If you are a guy you should see all single women as your sister until such time as you feel led to devote your life to one of them and become one (echad). If you are a gal than you should see all men as brothers until such time as you feel led to devote your life to one of them and become one (echad). The greatest regrets I have are the times in my life when I have failed to do this (and when I used to wear leg warmers on my arms in high school).
It is because I have had a taste of how dark sexual sin is that I campaign so hard against it. I have always dreaded the possibility that my future husband's standard for beauty and sexual performance would be the porn stars that I watched. I look nothing like them nor could I ever act like them nor would I ever want to be treated like them! My body is not for sale; it is not meant to be desecrated. I detest the times in my life when I let porn and other sexual immorality detract from the perfect devotion and union I was meant to have someday with one person. This won't be my last blog entry on pornography, but I hope this gets you thinking. I only ask that you think about it. Think about what pornography really is.
Jesus went on to say: “What comes out of a person is what defiles them.For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder,adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.All these evils come from inside and defile a person.”
Mark 7:20-23
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality;that each one of you know how to control his own bodyin holiness and honor,not in lust like those who do not know God;that no one transgress and takes advantage of their brother or sister in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 The Porn Path video mentions an interview that Playboy magazine did with John Mayer. You can find it here. It is worth a read:
Mayer: By the way, pornography? It’s a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora’s box of visuals. There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed.
Playboy: What’s your point about porn and relationships?
Mayer: Internet pornography has absolutely changed my generation’s expectations. How could you be constantly synthesizing an orgasm based on dozens of shots? You’re looking for the one photo out of 100 you swear is going to be the one you finish to, and you still don’t finish. Twenty seconds ago you thought that photo was the hottest thing you ever saw, but you throw it back and continue your shot hunt and continue to make yourself late for work. How does that not affect the psychology of having a relationship with somebody? It’s got to.
Playboy: You seem very fond of pornography.
Mayer: When I watch porn, if it’s not hot enough, I’ll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography.
Playboy: How did you become a self-soother?
Mayer: I grew up in my own head. As soon as I lose that control, once I have to deal with someone else’s desires, I cut and run. I’m pretty culpable about being hard to live with. I have had a good run of imagining things into reality. I’ve got a huge streak of successes based on my own inventions. If you tell me I’m wrong or that I’m overthinking something, well, overthinking has given me everything in my career. I have a hard time not looking at anxiety disorder as being like an ATM. I can invent things really well. I mean, I have unbelievable orgasms alone. They’re always the best. They always end the way I want them to end. And I have such an ability to make believe, I can almost project something onto my wall, watch it and get off to it: sexually, musically, it doesn’t matter. When I meet somebody, I’m in a situation in which I can’t run it because another person is involved. That means letting someone else talk, not waiting for them to remind you of something interesting you had in mind.
Playboy: Masturbation for you is as good as sex?
Mayer: Absolutely, because during sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32. This is my problem now. Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had.
Playboy: You’d rather jerk off to an ex-girlfriend than meet someone new?
Mayer: Yeah. What that explains is that I’m more comfortable in my imagination than I am in actual human discovery. The best days of my life are when I’ve dreamed about a sexual encounter with someone I’ve already been with. When that happens, I cannot lay off myself.
incline your ear to my understanding, that you may keep discretion, and your lips may guard knowledge. For the lips of a strange woman drip honey, and her palate is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol; she does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it.
And now, O sons, listen to me, and do not depart from the words of my mouth. Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your honor to others and your years to the merciless, lest strangers take their fill of your strength, and your labors go to the house of a foreigner, and at the end of your life you groan, when your flesh and body are consumed,and you say, “How I hated discipline, and my heart despised reproof! I did not listen to the voice of my teachers or incline my ear to my instructors. I am at the brink of utter ruin in the assembled congregation.”
Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of a strange woman?
For a man's ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths. The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray.
Proverbs 5:1-23
*A note, this proverb is considered to be a "warning against adultery" however the only word in this proverb which is commonly translated as "adulteress" is actually "strange woman" (verses 3 and 20) in the literal translation from the Hebrew. I think this is significant. Also, I think the metaphor regarding the spring of water in the streets has an expansive meaning. In the proverb just prior, we are told to "keep your heart with all vigilance for from it flows the springs of life" (Proverbs 4:23).
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her,that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (echad).”
This is a profound mystery, but it refers to Christ and the church.
-Ephesians 5:25-32
Go lightly from the ledge, babe Go lightly on the ground I'm not the one you want, babe I'll only let you down You say you're lookin' for someone Who'll promise never to part Someone to close his eyes to you Someone to close his heart Someone to die for you and more.
But it ain't me, babe No, no, no, it ain't me, babe It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe. But it ain't me, babe No, no, no, it ain't me, babe It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.
