Because I am a sucker for phrases like "creative power", "act of great depth and consequence", "scary and mysterious feelings of desire and devotion", and "inherent vulnerability"; Because I adore every word of it, Because he perfectly describes the "reductionist view" that breaks my heart, Because, after fighting bronchitis for two weeks, I still have a fever so humor me; Because its better than anything I could write,
I have a thing for bathtubs, lace lingerie, holding hands all night, and lazy mornings in bed.
I have accrued many little day dreams of marital intimacy over my long years of abstinence, and those dreams are precious to me. Of course, "intimate" moments alone do not encompass the entire significance of a marriage, but you can't blame me for looking forward to finally sharing my body, heart, and soul with someone through intimacy...but not just anyone...the "one". Everything that I have saved to share with one person is saturated in significance for me (not only sex, but all the daily intimacies of living with someone, sharing life together). The point of sex isn't obtaining physical pleasure from someone. For me, it has always been about the intimacy and the one-ness. If it was just pleasure that interested me, I definitely wouldn't still be a virgin today. Sex is about giving yourself fully to someone, knowing them and being fully known in a way that is private, exclusive, and sacred…intimate. For me, sex has aways been about becoming one with someone in a complete, holistic way…but not just anyone…the"one". I can't break down and tear apart that idea of one-ness. I can't separate physical intimacy from all the rest of the intimacy of a relationship (emotional, spiritual, intellectual, etc). How can you share the highest physical intimacy with someone when you don't want to share the highest emotional or spiritual intimacy with them? That makes about as much sense as trying to separate your soul from your body. You have to be dead to do that.
And I don't want to be dead. I want to live. As Oscar Wilde put it, "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." To drain intimacy of its significance is to make life a little less….less meaningful, less colorful and vibrant, less significant and sincere…less…it just makes it less. So, I have waited. Waiting for true love, saving yourself for one person, isn't a passive thing. Waiting is a deep, hungry, burning, passion. Some people keep their virginity until marriage for legalistic reasons, but that's not what I am talking about. The Bible teaches us that we shouldn't do "good" things just because we have to if we want to score points with God (which is legalistic theology). The Bible teaches that we ought to desire to do "good" things just because we love Jesus Christ (John 14:15). The same is true when waiting for love. You aren't supposed to keep yourself for your future spouse so that you don't "go to hell" or so that you can have one more check mark on your report card for heaven. You are supposed to wait simply for the sake of love. It is all about loving your future spouse and being faithful to them now and always. Waiting is about kindling a deep passion for one person's heart, mind, soul, and body. And not just anyone, the"one".
And so I have waited...
Speaking as a 25 year old virgin, once you get through high school, it becomes much less a question of, "will I make it to my wedding night with my virginity intact?" and much more a question of "Is my passion going to survive until my wedding night?". See, waiting is easy when you are passionate.
Don't get me wrong.
The experience of being a social outcast, being chastised and pressured, is not easy to go through. But saying "no" was always easy, for me anyways. It was easy because I knew what I wanted. I wanted true love. I didn't want anything to do with the cheap, incestuous, mercurial, counterfeit version of "love" that is so prevalent in our society. I always wanted a love that is meaningful and intimate in the deepest sense of the word, a love that just makes life... more. I have always been passionate about waiting for one person and exchanging my body, heart, and soul for theirs. I want all of one person: their hopes and dreams, their flaws and their failures, their strengths and their weaknesses, their success and their struggles. I want to share all the joy of this earth with one person. I want to share such an incredible love with one person that it has to overflow and create new little souls in the world (I know MTV's Teen Mom and other such modern marvels do not portray procreation in this way, but children ARE supposed to nothing less than eternal products of true love). I want to stand beside my soulmate and fight the darkness in the world and the darkness inside of ourselves, together. So that one day, we can both stand before the throne of God and hear, "Well done, good and faithful servants". This passion, combined with the moral resolve I have from my faith, has made it easy to wait. My moral resolve to wait has never failed. My boundaries have wavered at times. I haven't been perfect -and I won't pretend I have- but I have never questioned the morality of it. If you are a Bible-believing Christian (I have no idea how you can be a Christian and not believe the Bible; that makes no sense to me), there's no wiggle room. The design/intent of sex is very clear. Sex is for binding two people together in marriage.
Jesus said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female,and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?So they are no longer two but one (echad). Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.”
Matthew 19:4-6 (just one of my many favorites)
This is a truth I am sure of, and I can not just unlearn the truth. So, my moral resolve has never failed, but my passion for waiting… It's the passion that has taken a beating. This culture is so caustic: the peer pressure, the pervasive and offensive colloquial usage of inarguably sexual terms like "fuck", sex as the fodder for comedy, rampant innuendo, the use of sex and sexuality to sell EVERYTHING (from magazines to alcohol to Skittles), the complete and total separation of sex from love that assaults us from ALL media outlets (radio, television, movies, books etc). All of this is caustic; it eats through the passion, it burns into the depths of you, and it makes you numb. However, it is the words of those closest to me that have done the most damage:
"Sex is just something people do for fun. I mean, I wish it wasn't, but that is just the way it is."
"Women want a roof over their head and men want a place to put their penis."
"Men aren't made for monogamy." "I doubt you are going to be in a nursing home, 90 years old, talking about all the great sex you had."
"Sex is just physical."
"Don't be naive. No man is going to say 'no' to Angelina Jolie naked and willing."
"You aren't going to change the world, you know, and you certainly aren't going to change men." "Sex is just a secretive, fun activity. It's like…playing tag with a childhood friend."
"Nicole, everyone is a whore."
"What you are saying makes sense, but I am 24 years old and I just want to fuck."
"Sex is just physical" "You'll find out, sex is just another part of life."
"Don't be stupid. Of course your boyfriend uses porn- they all use porn- and you need to know what kind of pornography your boyfriend is into, you want to make sure he isn't into the really sick shit."
"If sex between people is supposed to be sacred, then why do dogs procreate the same way?"
"I have never bothered to wonder what God thinks of modern, threesome porn." "The only purpose of sex is procreation. It feels good so that we are motivated to produce offspring. It has no 'meaning'."
"Sex is just physical"
"You need to take the car out for a test drive before you buy it."
"When you finally have sex, you're going to be so disappointed because you've built it up to be something its not."
"Sex just doesn't mean the same thing to men that it does to women."
"Sex is amazing, but it shouldn't be that important, nothing physical should be, why do you think I'm not pressuring you for sex?"
"Sex is just physical"
"Sex is just physical."
"Sex is just physical."
"Sex is just physical."
"Sex is just physical."
Those quotes are from my father, mother, siblings, friends…and boyfriends. As a lady-in-waiting (if you will), it is very hard to have so many people telling you how foolish and naive you are. However, the worst is having to hear this sort of talk from the handful of boyfriends I've had (either to pressure me to have sex with them or to justify being buddies with former lovers). Hearing the mantra of "sex is just physical" from the very person for whom you may have prospectively waited…well…honestly, it is devastating. After more than a decade of this, it shouldn't be surprising that, every now and then, I end up in my bath tub, looking down at myself, despairing over this collection of body parts (so far from this culture's standard for "sexy"), and thinking "what a waste"? What a waste of time, effort, self-control, strength, fool-hardy hope, and deep desire….what a waste of passion.
On really dark days, I wish I had just let my ex-boyfriends have their way with me. Then, I could be as desensitized and numb as everyone else. That works well for everyone right? And often, I wonder... maybe that "Echad" one-ness is just another lost phenomena of God, you know, like miracles and prophecy and dinosaurs: extinct, left behind in ancient history. Maybe the world is so far gone that "intimacy" as God intended just isn't something that can be truly grasped in modern reality...
I am pouring out my pathetic heart to you because purity is marketed a certain way in conservative Christian culture. I've been reading books and listening to various purity/chastity speakers a long time and I've never read or heard anything that adequately prepared me for the agony of waiting in a culture that devalues sex so entirely. I know that a few of you who read this blog are passionately waiting (either as virgins or having recommitted yourselves to God's intent for intimacy/one-ness which is way more impressive). I am trying to be honest with you in case this culture (and those happily living in it) have brought you to despair, as well. I'm not going to tell you to hang on to your self-control and morality so you can get your guaranteed blissful, fairytale ending; because there's no guarantee. I wish I could promise you a happy ending. I wish I could say: As long as you fight the good-fight you'll get your reward! Keep waiting and you'll meet someone who will love and cherish ALL of you forever as God intended! I can't promise you that. The world out there is grim, and the odds are not in our favor. See, being fully one with a spouse as God intended requires that you end up with someone who wants to fight the darkness in this world as much as you do. Yes, sometimes that happens. I know people who have that love story… but I can't promise that, and I can't promise that your family and friends and boyfriends/girlfriends are going to respect and cherish your righteousness and want to encourage you and give you hope, but I will still tell you...
Fight the darkness, anyways.
This blog post is already far too long. I am being very self-indulgent with this one, forgive me. Please stay with me for just a little longer. I am going to give you my secret to purity, my secret to purity and every other epic thing that I believe in. If you took high-school Spanish, chances are you were forced to watch this movie:
You probably hated it, because it is a musical and you would have listened to it in Spanish (even though the original movie was recorded in English- makes sense right?). Your teacher most likely forced you to watch it because it is originally based on Don Quiote de la Mancha by Cervantes which is one of the most influential novels in Spanish literature. However, listening to the American movie in Spanish doesn't do justice to the book or to the enduring musical that came from it. I want to talk a little bit about the core of Cervantes' story and the inspirational songs of the 1960's musical version. The story is the most perfect metaphor for what it means to be a Christian. A sixteenth-century gentleman, Alonso Quijana, is so inspired by old tales of chivalry and so sick of the world's injustice that he experiences a break with reality and decides to live his life as a knight errant. Dubbing himself, Don Quixote the Man of La Mancha, Señor Quijana sets out on his "quest" with his "squire" Sancho. He sees windmills as formidable giants and run-down inns as castles, but most beautifully…he sees the prostitute, Aldonza, as the "Lady Dulcinea". At first, Aldonza thinks Don Quixote's flattery is a cruel joke. When she realizes he is serious about how lovely he thinks she is, she decides he is insane. She watches him get taunted and chastised and beaten by all those around him for being so "noble" and she asks him "WHY DO YOU DO IT?!" He sings to her "The Impossible Dream":
DON QUIXOTE
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star
That, in a nut-shell, is exactly what it is like to live for Christ in a world that does not understand how incredible, beautiful, and epic life is supposed to be. When Don Quixote sees Aldonza being beaten by one of her "clients", he takes it upon himself to save her from all her abusive customers. By sheer luck, he defeats the gang and then insists that Aldonza help him bandage their wounds (if you've read the Bible this kind of philosophy shouldn't be unfamiliar). After caring for his fallen enemies, Don Quixote sets out for an adventure with his "squire". However, they run into a band of gypsies much to Don Quixote's delight. The gypsies exploit Don Quixote's naiveté and trick him into giving them all of his possessions and his horse. Left destitute, Don Quixote returns to the inn only to find that Aldonza has been brutally gang-raped by her "clients" (not kidding-its dark). In the musical Aldonza confronts Don Quixote:
ALDONZA
I am not your lady!...
I am not any kind of a lady!
I was spawned in a ditch
By a mother who left me there,
Naked and cold and too hungry to cry;
I never blamed her.
I'm sure she left hoping
That I'd have the good sense to die!
Then, of course, there's my father...
I'm told that young ladies
Can point to their fathers
With maidenly pride;
Mine was some regiment
Here for an hour,
I can't even tell you which side!
So of course I became,
As befitted my delicate birth,
The most casual bride
Of the murdering scum of the earth!
DON QUIXOTE
And still thou art my lady.
ALDONZA
And still he torments me!
How should I be a lady?
For a lady has modest and maidenly airs,
And a virtue I somehow suspect that I lack;
It's hard to remember these maidenly airs
In a stable laid flat on your back!
Won't you look at me, look at me,
God, won't you look at me!
Look at the kitchen slut reeking with sweat!
Born on a dung heap to die on a dung heap,
A strumpet men use and forget!
If you feel that you see me
Not quite at my virginal best,
Cross my palm with a coin,
And I'll willingly show you the rest!
DON QUIXOTE
Never deny thou art Dulcinea.
ALDONZA
Take the clouds from your eyes
and see me as I really am!
You have shown me the sky,
But what good is the sky
To a creature who'll never
Do better than crawl?
Of all the cruel bastards
Who've badgered and battered me,
You are the cruelest of all!
Can't you see what your gentle
Insanities do to me?
Rob me of anger and give me despair!
Blows and abuse
I can take and give back again,
Tenderness I cannot bear!
So please torture me now
With your "Sweet Dulcineas" no more!
I am no one! I'm nothing!
I'm only Aldonza the whore!
Wow. So, of course, this devastates Don Quixote, that Aldonza will not see herself as the infinitely valuable human being she is despite her circumstances, what she has done, and what others have done to her. Don Quixote sees her only as God always intended her to be, beautiful and virtuous and worthy. At this point in the story, when Don Quixote's "Impossible Dream" is most vulnerable, his family shows up to force Don Quixote to face "reality" and come back home. They do this with mirrors, of course. In a scene too cruel for me to describe without foolish tears, Don Quixote's family drags him back home. Aldonza is glad to be rid of him at first, but then she comes to realize that she wants to be seen as Dulcinea. She wants to see herself as Dulcinea. She travels to his home to find him broken and dying; worst than that, he doesn't remember "the Dream" anymore. So, of course...
Fair warning, I cry every time. To wrap it up, Don Quixote remembers the dream, sings with Dulcinea, and dies. After he dies, his squire Sancho cries out to "Aldonza" but she corrects him saying, "My name is Dulcinea." This is everything that living as a Christian is about. You must believe with all your heart despite everyone around you telling you that you are wrong and naive and foolish. You must see the utmost importance in your quest for justice and righteousness. You must see others with the love of Jesus Christ; to see them as they really are regardless of how well they play along with the dark "realities" of this world. And for my purposes as a "lady-in-waiting", you must not let anyone degrade the sanctity of your heart and soul as it is inextricably bound to your body. Do not see the bodies of others as less than the sacred vessels of their hearts and souls. See everyone in the image of God, as intended. Do not hold their histories, their actions, or their "realities" against them- even when they gladly use such things to hurt you. If you follow the quest, if you follow the "Impossible Dream", if you "reach for that unreachable star"; maybe, just maybe, you might help someone see how precious they are in the eyes of Christ. Then, by the grace of God through Jesus Christ, maybe they'll follow the "Impossible Dream" too.
That's it. So even when it seems like no one else shares your "Impossible Dream" with you, fight the darkness anyways. My only cautionary advice is this: Don't ever give yourself to someone who can't or won't sing the dream back to you. It takes two to share the complete, holistic*, "Echad" one-ness that is marriage as designed by God.
*"Holistic" as defined by Google: "characterized by comprehension of the parts of something as intimately interconnected and explicable only by reference to the whole."
