The Sexual Rebellion: If you ask Andy...

My mind has been preoccupied with a blog I read recently. This blog was written by a woman who was raised a conservative Christian but is currently a very out spoken Atheist. She attacked the doctrine of "purity" with gusto. Her typical point of view is most concisely summarized by quoting the illustrious Andy Warhol:

"Sex is the biggest nothing of all time."

She asserted that sex had nothing to do with love and that having multiple pre-marital sexual partners did no "actual harm" to a future marriage.

As I'm sure you can imagine, this ruffled my feathers more than a bit. I can only take so many people in the media and society telling me that my body, the highest intimacy I am capable of, and the conception of new human life has no inherent, sacred meaning. I'll admit, it's hard not to take this sort of thing personally.

However, what was infuriating was that this blogger presented her case as though it were fact when it was based entirely on her own personal feelings and (faulty) logic; no scientific research, no statistics, nothing. No real evidence to support her position at all, and it was this that insulted my intelligence.

See, I don't mind if people disagree with me. You can think I'm stupid and sexually repressed and fanatical if you want. You can hate the stereotypical Christian doctrine of "purity". You can even hate my God, go ahead. But don't be ignorant about it. Know the science. Know what you are talking about.

So, I have done hours upon hours of research to arm myself with truth in order to confront the very common assumptions and misconceptions about sex and purity/chastity that I have encountered from various Atheists, Agnostics, and "secular Christians" (aka people who call on the name of God but don't think they have to bother following His commandments or Jesus Christ). I've made sure that ALL of my research has come from credible, nationally and internationally recognized sources that are not affiliated with any conservative Christian organizations or people. I've tried my best to eliminate bias from the research I will present.

Therefore, I am fully prepared to talk about the higher rate of infidelity and divorce among people with more than one premarital sexual partner and/or a history of cohabitation prior to marriage compared to those who wait for marriage (research that is corroborated by the Kinsey Institute which pioneered the sexual revolution in the 1960's). I am ready to share the groundbreaking neuroscience research on the formation of intimate bonds due to oxytocin (known as the "love hormone" with higher levels found in females) and vasopressin (known as the "monogamy hormone" with higher levels found in men) released during sexual activity (with the greatest amounts released during orgasm). I want to present the research that shows how breaking off a sexual relationship is like someone trying to give up heroin. From brain studies, scientists have discovered that, with the bonding/habituating effects of oxytocin and vasopressin as well as the addictive levels of dopamine released during sex, a brain on sex does indeed look like a brain on drugs (Fun fact: only heroin releases more dopamine/causes more physical pleasure than sex). There is an actual "withdrawal" process that takes place in the brain while you are disentangling yourself from a sexual relationship and you can not fully erase that bond in your brain. Does all the relationship drama that happens around you make more sense now? This also explains why, during years 3-5 of a marriage (when the rate of infidelity is at its highest) an estimated 42% of unfaithful people commit infidelity with an "old flame" aka a former sexual partner. As they say, "old habits die hard". I am anxious to share with you the frightening statistics about HPV (which is not effectively prevented by condoms since research shows it can be passed just by touching and possibly even kissing) and cervical cancer (which kills more than 4,000 women a year in the U.S.), as well as oral cancer (which is also caused by HPV and projected to far surpass cervical cancer over the next ten years).

So, I've got all this research and I'm ready to go!

But I don't want to talk about any of that tonight.

I had an attack of nostalgia today.

I don't hang on to my ex-boyfriends. I find it to be nothing but destructive to keep people close to you after you have shared something with them that was always meant for someone else. I felt this way even before I knew there was scientific support for that idea. Love never ends so if a relationship ends, it wasn't love. It is painful for me to think of the counterfeit version of "love" I shared with my mistakes (aka ex's) so I leave them in the past (may they live long and prosper).

However, there are a few moments I cherish. They are learning moments, moments that now make me shudder with the most comforting regret. Regret is comforting, when it is simply an indication that you now know how much more you are worth, specifically who you are worth.

I like to think about the moment I told my first boyfriend that I loved him and knew deep down that it was a lie. I like to think about how I cried all the way home after my first kiss with my second "rebound" boyfriend because I hated myself for giving up on the vision I had when I was eleven and settling for the games most people call "dating".

These moments are great, but I'm going to share my favorite moment with you.

Despite my emotional reaction to our first kiss, I kept things going with the "rebound" boyfriend for quite a while. We were on and off because I wouldn't have sex with him; I think he kept coming back until he realized I really wasn't going to sleep with him after all. I kept things going, I think, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could keep a guy interested without giving him sex. I was also trying really hard to date like a "normal" person. One night, this "rebound" boyfriend was driving me home from the movies or something, and a OneRepublic song came on. That song was "All This Time".

Take all the time lost

All the days that I cost

Take what I took and

Give it back to you

All this time

We were waiting for each other

All this time

I was waiting for you

We got all these words

Can't waste them on another

So I'm straight in a straight line

Running back to you

I could go into the details of the epiphany I had in that car, an epiphany over a decade in the making, but I won't. For right now, its frankly too personal. I'll only tell you this: God gave me a vision when I was eleven, not a hallucination-type vision but a kind of supernatural conviction. I say supernatural because I can't take credit for it. I don't want to take credit for it. I didn't save sex for marriage because I am superior and think I am better than other people. I saved intimacy for marriage because by some grace of God I had this conviction. My belief in that conviction is what fueled this colossal effort to "wait"; and you know what?

I was right.

And God is faithful and merciful to those who want to love as He loves.

Now, for your viewing pleasure, here is the wedding video I stumbled upon while I was being nostalgic about this song. You can thank Youtube for randomly offering up this video when I simply wanted the original recording, sending me into all sorts of sentimentality, and preventing me from writing a more argumentative blogpost tonight. You'll have to wait a while longer for that one.

Link for mobile users here.