Having a holistic perspective of love opens you up to a world of hurt. Holistic really is the perfect way to describe my ideals. If something is holistic it is "characterized by comprehension of the parts of something as intimately interconnected and explicable only by reference to the whole" (thanks Google). Sex is part of romantic love. I can't separate them. Sex is part of this whole package called "true love" along with romance, attachment, commitment, and children; it is all "intimately interconnected". It boggles my mind that more than 90% of the population think its not only possible to separate love from sex but natural and acceptable (despite unwanted pregnancy, a bunch of life-threatening STD's, and all the new research on how having multiple sexual partners actually damages your ability to bond with a spouse). Thinking that sex (the highest form of physical intimacy) should be saved for marriage (still considered the highest form of emotional intimacy, commitment and expression of love), is kind of like putting a "kick me" sign on your back in this society.
The easiest way to get hurt is to care about something that no one else cares about. Of course, TV and movies are saturated with casual sexual content. Then there is all the advertising that markets an objectified idea of what "sexy" is that we are all supposed to emulate. Then, of course, there is peer pressure. However, all that is bearable when compared to having to defend yourself to the people in the world who are supposed to love you the most. My father, siblings, boyfriends, friends- they have all tried to correct me of my naiveté. I don't think I'll ever forget my father telling me it was my fault that my first boyfriend was lying to me about drugs and girls since I was "torturing the poor bastard" by not giving him sex. Thanks, Dad, because thats exactly what I needed to hear after my first break-up. Isn't a father supposed to tell you that you shouldn't have to give a guy sex to make him love you? However, it is far more hurtful to have to argue with the boyfriends themselves about the worth of your body and how "intimacy" with you is something "special" and "sacred" that is supposed to be cherished in marriage. Think about having that kind of conversation with a "typical guy." It doesn't go well.
Probably one of the saddest things I've experience is over-hearing a group of really beautiful, married women talk about how upset they are when their husbands go to the strip club and "why can't they just stick with their porn at home?" If that is me someday…I don't even know.
It is really depressing.
It's upsetting.
Those are understatements.
Sometimes, it is down-right terrifying.
So, when I feel like I could use some valium I read things like this, "Some Honest Dating Advice", and remember that I'm not alone and that there are other people who feel the way I do. I love every word:
"Here’s the thing that everybody knows but few will say out loud: this pointless, confusing, heartbreaking, soul eating, nihilistic dating game we play nowadays is, in the end, a chaotic disaster, and you’ll gain nothing from it...
See, that’s all that our new dating philosophy is: A lie. You lie to yourself and you lie to them until you can’t maintain the mutual delusion any longer...
Let me assure you, the dating scene doesn’t teach you any skills that will help you build a successful marriage in the future. Pointless, directionless dating does not teach you how to be IN mature relationships, it teaches you how to get OUT of them. Dating — the sort of dating I’m talking about — is dress rehearsal for divorce, not marriage. You’re learning how to leave and refining your ability to forget. I don’t know how any rational person could claim that having a string of failed, shallow relationships could somehow prepare you for a serious and permanent union. On the contrary, failed relationships prepare you to deal with failed relationships. That’s it...
Trust me, once you’ve actually made that final commitment to someone; once you’ve conceived children with them; once you’ve loved them so deeply that you’d literally die for them without hesitation, you’ll see that your entire dating history was a frivolous, embarrassing waste of time. At best. At worst it was a tragedy, and now everything you have to give your spouse is worn, rusted and secondhand. Really, isn’t it sad that so many of us will say “I love you” to a dozen people before we finally say it to the only person who really deserves to hear it?…"
-Matt Walsh
I highly suggest reading the whole thing.
Thats my kind of valium.
