If you haven't read "Innocence, Purity, and Virginity- How they are three different things and why it matters." please go do that before you read this blog entry. Today, I want to talk about how all cultures are seriously mixed up about purity. I'm going to pick on everybody. Get ready, its going to be a good time.
I'm going to start with traditional Asian and Middle Eastern cultures- or at least the general understanding of the role sex/love/purity plays in their societies. Anyone can feel free to correct me at any time. Of course, I want to make the disclaimer that I have friends from these cultures that don't necessarily fall within the stereotypes I'm about to talk about; and don't worry, I'm going to rag on conservative Christians too.
* Also, I want to make it clear that when I talk about "men" and "women" throughout history and in present societies- I am talking about the collective average. For example, if I should say "women have sought to achieve the same sexual freedom in society that men have enjoyed" I am talking about most women. Obviously not all women want the same sexual freedom that men have in this society; I am one that doesn't, and I know others. Additionally, not all men want the "freedom" of promiscuous sex; I know one....or maybe two. Just kidding, I know a few. Endangered but not extinct.
Lets start.
* Also, I want to make it clear that when I talk about "men" and "women" throughout history and in present societies- I am talking about the collective average. For example, if I should say "women have sought to achieve the same sexual freedom in society that men have enjoyed" I am talking about most women. Obviously not all women want the same sexual freedom that men have in this society; I am one that doesn't, and I know others. Additionally, not all men want the "freedom" of promiscuous sex; I know one....or maybe two. Just kidding, I know a few. Endangered but not extinct.
Lets start.
Often, when I try to have a discussion with someone about the value of purity, I get burkas thrown in my face.
Source for photo here.
What I mean is, people (both non-Christians and secular Christians) argue with me about the evils of cultures that place a high "value" on virginity (and its always the virginity of women), as though that extreme and unhealthy "value" of virginity is synonymous with purity and therefore proves that the ideology of purity is unhealthy.
They say things like:
So you think women aught to be covered from head to toe? You think women aught to be stoned for having sex before marriage? Yeah, its great; a 12 year old virgin can be sold for a whole opium field in Afghanistan. What about female circumcision, which makes it impossible for women to feel pleasure during sex? A heinous practice that is performed in over 28 countries (in Africa and the Middle East and to a lesser degree throughout Asia) in order to reduce temptation for a woman to engage in sex before she is married, because now, even if she has sex, she won't have an orgasm so why bother? That will make sure her husband has a nice, tight virgin on his wedding night. Yeah, what a great thing to value virginity.
It kills me. It kills me when people use this argument because:
1) It is absolutely absurd, of course thats not the kind of "value" I'm trying to campaign for.
2) It is indicative of a huge double standard in these societies- not just that men can do whatever they want and women are "whores" if they pursue sexual pleasure outside of marriage, but also because the value is placed on the virginity of women and no value is attributed to the virginity of men. Two MAJOR problems regarding sex with this type of culture. Nobody talks about how the sexuality of men is devalued.
3) This type of extreme and inappropriate ideology of "virginity" is often attributed to religious groups and that is a huge headache for any rational person who also happens to be a person of strong faith. Like myself.
*Source for info on female circumcision/ female genital mutilation can be found here at womenshealth.gov.
When looking at the cultures of many countries in Africa, the Middle East, and Asia; people (especially feminists- no offense ladies, I love your Ryan Gosling "Hey Girl" memes) will tell you that the problem is one of social equality. Thats only half the problem. In regards to women not being allowed to go to school or own property or work- yes, those are indications of a major social equality issue. However, in regards to how these societies value the bodies and sexuality of women and men. Its not just an issue of equality, its an issue of fundamental values. Rather than looking at the true fundamentals of the love/sex/marriage relationship, we label it an equality issue. Whats good for the goose should be good for the gander, and if men are having promiscuous sex without any repercussions in society than so should women! No. Instead of saying virginity/purity shouldn't matter at all regardless of gender, we should be exposing the flaws in how these cultures are valuing virginity/purity/sexuality.
Let me look at things historically a little bit, and then I'm going to give you my opinion as to what exactly is wrong with the outlook these kinds of cultures have on sex.
If we journeyed back in time to the era in life on earth when God was talking directly to people though burning bushes and etc, you would think that people in those Biblical times would have honorable sexual practices right? Wrong.
Despite laying down irrefutable commands regarding the solidarity and purity of the marriage relationship, there were all types of sexual sin among God's people (the Israelites): polygamy, rape, incest, premarital sex, you name it. This was because they were sinners, just like we are all sinners. So there had to be all these crazy laws in order to try and enforce purity.
In the Biblical cultures, men got away with sexual sin (or freedom if you want to call it that) more easily than women. Why?
Not because God favored different standards for men, but because the people who enforced God's laws in those societies were men.
Since the beginning of time, men have had an upper hand on women as far as the political/social power dynamic goes. Why? Because they are physically (on average) stronger than us. Back when we were hunting woolly mammoths with stone spears, the men had the power, and that trend has continued. Its logical, and if I lived in that time, I would have benefitted from that power dynamic. I'd gladly gather fruit and nuts and bear your children and let you call the shots as long as you beat that saber toothed tiger to death with your wooden club because I want none of that.
As a woman I don't have a problem admitting there are physical differences between men and women. Why should I? They are biological fact. But hey, I can grow a baby inside me. I think both genders come out even as far as abilities goes. We are just different.
However, because society began with a power dynamic that logically tipped in the favor of men- and because we brought sin into the world and sin perverts/corrupts everything- that power dynamic just kept tipping until now you have fodder for a show like AMC's Mad Men. The oppression of women in society came about because of an abuse of power- because men abused the positions of power that they were in.
As a woman I don't have a problem admitting there are physical differences between men and women. Why should I? They are biological fact. But hey, I can grow a baby inside me. I think both genders come out even as far as abilities goes. We are just different.
However, because society began with a power dynamic that logically tipped in the favor of men- and because we brought sin into the world and sin perverts/corrupts everything- that power dynamic just kept tipping until now you have fodder for a show like AMC's Mad Men. The oppression of women in society came about because of an abuse of power- because men abused the positions of power that they were in.
My point is:
The concept of the value of virginity was perverted because of social inequality.
*Don't worry men- women are about to get their half of the blame soon.
God commanded both men and women to remain virgins until they were married and then to remain faithful to their spouse for the rest of their lives.
You would have men in burkas today if women had the same kind of power as men to enforce that commandment. Women wouldn't have been stoned for adultery because they would have decided they could marry more than one man and cheat the law as men in Biblical times did! We would have had harems!
Women didn't have that power. We had no power. We didn't get to choose who we would marry or when or why or how many.
If a man said, "I want to marry this woman," and the woman said, "No way man, I heard about you, you aren't a virgin!" Well, tough luck, because you have no say and your father is going to make you marry him anyways! But men had the power to say, "we only want to marry virgins".
The huge problem here is that men wanted to marry "virgins" not woman of "purity". They wanted to marry virgins because they felt entitled to them. Men felt entitled to be a woman's "first" and "only" sexual experience and wanted the aesthetic details that accompany that (breaking the hymen). They wanted to know that their wife never had or could have even potentially had children with another man (remember the continuation of that family line was uber important in Biblical times). They didn't care about spiritual oneness or giving the same marital rights to their wife and women had no way of ensuring they got the marital rights they deserved.
Thats why, if a woman wanted to engage in promiscuous sex in Biblical societies, she had to be a prostitute/harlot/whore because no man would marry her. She couldn't fool around and then decide to settle down and have a family as a man could (as women do today). She had no power, authority, or influence in society. Thus began the tradition that men can do as they please and women better stay pure until they are married or else.
Additionally, men never had to worry about getting pregnant so there were no social ramifications for men who engaged in promiscuous, premarital sex unless they were actually caught in the act.
Just because these men valued "virginity" does NOT mean they valued purity! Purity is valuing the marriage relationship and understanding God's intentions for the spiritual oneness within marriage. Virginity is not a prized commodity! Virginity is just purity in its raw form. It can be perverted with out giving it up, and that is what happened in these societies. If these societies valued the marriage relationship as God commanded, both men and women would have been held to the same, healthy standards.
Lets talk a little bit about the ancient laws God gave to the Israelites, they are found in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. Leviticus gets a bad rap for its "intolerant laws" regarding sex. Well, they can all be found in Leviticus chapters 18-21, and the first thirteen laws are just about not having incest, and I think we can all agree thats a good plan, not having incest, right? We have some common ground, yay! Then there are laws about things like not sacrificing children to Molek. Molek was a pagan god worshipped by the contemporary people of Canaan and a key part of their worship was sacrificing children. We can all agree on not sacrificing children to a pagan god, yeah? It goes on about adultery, premarital sex, and homosexuality, the usual suspects. In particular though, in order to show how much the power dynamic of ancient society affected Jewish law, I want to talk about the commandments in Deuteronomy regarding rape.
But, if out in the country, a man happens to meet a young woman pledged to be married and rapes her, only the man who has done this shall die. Do nothing to the woman; she has committed no sin deserving death. This case is like that of someone who attacks and murders a neighbor, for the man found the young woman out in the country, and though the betrothed woman screamed, there was no one to rescue her.
Now, this crime of rape deserved the same punishment as adultery (death) but for the man only because the woman is betrothed. Being betrothed to someone was regarded just as legally binding as marriage, the sacrament of the wedding and the consummation just hasn't occurred yet. So basically not only is this rape but the man is committing adultery- having sex with another man's wife. So he dies. Lets continue.
If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.
Deuteronomy 22:25-28
Here is the problem with the power dynamic and the inappropriate value men placed on women's virginity. If a women wasn't already legally bound to another man and she is raped, no other man would marry her because she wasn't a virgin- so this law makes her marry her rapist. While this may seem evil (and it is), this law protected the victims future. What future does a woman have in this society when her value is stripped from her and she has no hope of having a family and children that will take care of her in her old age? Can she start her own business or buy her own property? No. Because of the corruption of this society- this law was a "necessary evil", if you will. It is for the woman's sake that the rapist is kept alive and forced to marry her. Can you imagine? Horrible.
You would have men in burkas today if women had the same kind of power as men to enforce that commandment. Women wouldn't have been stoned for adultery because they would have decided they could marry more than one man and cheat the law as men in Biblical times did! We would have had harems!
Women didn't have that power. We had no power. We didn't get to choose who we would marry or when or why or how many.
If a man said, "I want to marry this woman," and the woman said, "No way man, I heard about you, you aren't a virgin!" Well, tough luck, because you have no say and your father is going to make you marry him anyways! But men had the power to say, "we only want to marry virgins".
The huge problem here is that men wanted to marry "virgins" not woman of "purity". They wanted to marry virgins because they felt entitled to them. Men felt entitled to be a woman's "first" and "only" sexual experience and wanted the aesthetic details that accompany that (breaking the hymen). They wanted to know that their wife never had or could have even potentially had children with another man (remember the continuation of that family line was uber important in Biblical times). They didn't care about spiritual oneness or giving the same marital rights to their wife and women had no way of ensuring they got the marital rights they deserved.
Thats why, if a woman wanted to engage in promiscuous sex in Biblical societies, she had to be a prostitute/harlot/whore because no man would marry her. She couldn't fool around and then decide to settle down and have a family as a man could (as women do today). She had no power, authority, or influence in society. Thus began the tradition that men can do as they please and women better stay pure until they are married or else.
Additionally, men never had to worry about getting pregnant so there were no social ramifications for men who engaged in promiscuous, premarital sex unless they were actually caught in the act.
Just because these men valued "virginity" does NOT mean they valued purity! Purity is valuing the marriage relationship and understanding God's intentions for the spiritual oneness within marriage. Virginity is not a prized commodity! Virginity is just purity in its raw form. It can be perverted with out giving it up, and that is what happened in these societies. If these societies valued the marriage relationship as God commanded, both men and women would have been held to the same, healthy standards.
Lets talk a little bit about the ancient laws God gave to the Israelites, they are found in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. Leviticus gets a bad rap for its "intolerant laws" regarding sex. Well, they can all be found in Leviticus chapters 18-21, and the first thirteen laws are just about not having incest, and I think we can all agree thats a good plan, not having incest, right? We have some common ground, yay! Then there are laws about things like not sacrificing children to Molek. Molek was a pagan god worshipped by the contemporary people of Canaan and a key part of their worship was sacrificing children. We can all agree on not sacrificing children to a pagan god, yeah? It goes on about adultery, premarital sex, and homosexuality, the usual suspects. In particular though, in order to show how much the power dynamic of ancient society affected Jewish law, I want to talk about the commandments in Deuteronomy regarding rape.
But, if out in the country, a man happens to meet a young woman pledged to be married and rapes her, only the man who has done this shall die. Do nothing to the woman; she has committed no sin deserving death. This case is like that of someone who attacks and murders a neighbor, for the man found the young woman out in the country, and though the betrothed woman screamed, there was no one to rescue her.
Now, this crime of rape deserved the same punishment as adultery (death) but for the man only because the woman is betrothed. Being betrothed to someone was regarded just as legally binding as marriage, the sacrament of the wedding and the consummation just hasn't occurred yet. So basically not only is this rape but the man is committing adultery- having sex with another man's wife. So he dies. Lets continue.
If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.
Deuteronomy 22:25-28
Here is the problem with the power dynamic and the inappropriate value men placed on women's virginity. If a women wasn't already legally bound to another man and she is raped, no other man would marry her because she wasn't a virgin- so this law makes her marry her rapist. While this may seem evil (and it is), this law protected the victims future. What future does a woman have in this society when her value is stripped from her and she has no hope of having a family and children that will take care of her in her old age? Can she start her own business or buy her own property? No. Because of the corruption of this society- this law was a "necessary evil", if you will. It is for the woman's sake that the rapist is kept alive and forced to marry her. Can you imagine? Horrible.
Jesus himself stated that the Jewish laws had departed from the ideology God set in place in the beginning. The verses I am referring to are the same as those shared in my "Echad" blog entry:
"Haven't you read," He replied, "that in the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female', and for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man could give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way in the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."
Matthew 19:4-9
So just because "men of God" made certain laws necessary doesn't mean that those laws reflect the heart of God or His intentions for His people. Always return to the words of God and Jesus Christ. Don't blame God for the corruption of sinful people. We corrupted ourselves (fall of man) and we taint and pervert everything that God made perfect. Sex is a perfect example of this.
Also remember that all the harsh laws and punishments for sexual sin that are in the Old Testament existed because of the separation between man and God, our unrighteousness vs. His perfect righteousness. Measured against the perfect righteousness of God, we all deserve death. Once Christ came to pay the full price for our sin as the perfect, holy sacrifice; those punishments were no longer necessary and we now preach a doctrine of forgiveness and grace. This is obvious in the scripture of the New Testament. My favorite passage that shows this is in the book of John. The Pharisees brought a woman who committed adultery to Jesus and asked Him if He would fulfill God's law (in Leviticus) and stone her to death.
At dawn [Jesus] appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let any of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
John 8:2-11
And that is how we are supposed to deal with sexual sin as Christians- no condemnation, but urging each other to strive for purity "Go now and leave your life of sin."
And speaking of the fall of man, did you know that the patriarchal social structure, the dominance of men over women, was a result of the fall of man? Once Adam and Eve sinned, God punished them both in different ways. To "the woman" (and all women) he said:
Also remember that all the harsh laws and punishments for sexual sin that are in the Old Testament existed because of the separation between man and God, our unrighteousness vs. His perfect righteousness. Measured against the perfect righteousness of God, we all deserve death. Once Christ came to pay the full price for our sin as the perfect, holy sacrifice; those punishments were no longer necessary and we now preach a doctrine of forgiveness and grace. This is obvious in the scripture of the New Testament. My favorite passage that shows this is in the book of John. The Pharisees brought a woman who committed adultery to Jesus and asked Him if He would fulfill God's law (in Leviticus) and stone her to death.
At dawn [Jesus] appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let any of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
John 8:2-11
And that is how we are supposed to deal with sexual sin as Christians- no condemnation, but urging each other to strive for purity "Go now and leave your life of sin."
And speaking of the fall of man, did you know that the patriarchal social structure, the dominance of men over women, was a result of the fall of man? Once Adam and Eve sinned, God punished them both in different ways. To "the woman" (and all women) he said:
"I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."
Genesis 3:16
So being submissive to men was kind of part of "our cross to bear" as a result of our part in the separation between God and humanity.
To "the man" (and all men) God said:
"Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return."
Genesis 3:17-19
And then both Adam and Eve were denied fellowship with God and cast out of the Garden of Eden to live out their sad lives until they tasted the bitterness of death.
Some might argue that we got the short end of the stick with the pain of child birth but the big picture here is that our sin led to the ruination of our perfect communion with God and the loss of our immortality on earth. Regardless of your gender, thanks to sin, we are all equally screwed (without salvation).
It is an advancement in equality and social justice that women now hold an (almost) equal social standing with men (they still, on average, make more money in the same jobs than we do). I am sure this advancement pleases God. However, our (as women) modern attitude regarding sexual promiscuity ("If you can't beat them, join them!") is, in my opinion, the farthest thing from "progress".
I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time talking about what I think is wrong with sex in our modern culture. It's pretty obvious. All you need to do is watch half an hour of television. Maybe Grey's Anatomy or How I Met Your Mother. Listen to Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" or Bruno Mars' "Gorilla". The physical pleasure of sex has been isolated from love; it is now simply a recreational activity. Since the development of birth control and the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's, the stigma of promiscuous women as "whores" has rapidly diminished. Today, in America (and many other parts of the world), saving yourself for marriage is not the expected norm. In the words of Indian actress, Khushboo (I kid you not), "no educated man would expect his [bride] to be a virgin." (Click here for source.) The fact of the matter is, we are (as a gender stereotype-if promiscuous) still whores. Men were just whores first and we joined them, and the pot can't call the kettle black. Harsh sounding, I know. Bear with me please. I would never, ever identify anyone as a "whore". Again, that word stems from people not valuing sex correctly. Thats the whole crux of the issue, regardless of your past. Not what your "number" might be but how you much you value yourself, your heart, your mind, your soul, and your body as well as how much you value others and their heart, mind, soul, and body. I couldn't care less about your number and neither could God (amazing grace). No condemnation, but please consider purity (and if you are a Christian you are commanded to strive for purity, so do it!).
What SHOULD have happened, as women gained equality? Instead of demanding our "right" to be promiscuous without social repercussions "just like men", we should have demanded that men value our sexuality appropriately- as in the exclusive oneness of marriage, not our physically intact hymen. You know, your hymen can break just from riding a bike or riding a horse or using a tampon. The status of your hymen/physical "virginity" is entirely irrelevant compared to how you value the sacred oneness of sex as God intended. That is purity.
Additionally, we should have demanded that men start valuing their sexuality appropriately.
Additionally, we should have demanded that men start valuing their sexuality appropriately.
The point is:
The virginity of men should be JUST AS VALUABLE as that of women.
That is such an absurd concept in our society today- in any society! Even in modern, sexually liberated America, a woman's virginity still holds some mystique. In 2009, a 22 year old virgin from San Diego put her virginity up for auction through a legal brothel outside Las Vegas. You can read about it here. She was offered $3.8 million dollars from a man in Australia. If a guy put his virginity up for auction do you think a woman would have put a bid in for $3.8 million?
I have SO much to say about how society devalues men, but for right now all I want you to take away is this:
The virginity of men, no excuse me, the purity of men should be JUST AS VALUABLE as that of women.
So, who have I not insulted yet? The Christians! Gird your loins, my brothers and sisters in Christ.
*Ever wonder where that phrase "gird your loins" came from? Its Biblical, see here.
So, for the most part, conservative Christian culture values the purity/virginity of both genders equally. At least, they believe thats how its supposed to be; I've observed some discrimination against women with sexual histories more so than men. However, that is to be expected considering we live within a larger society/culture in which thats been a stigma forever and ever. So if you are a Christian, keep working on that. Take the speck out of your own eye, don't be prejudice against anyone because of their sexual history.
My problem with the stereotypical conservative Christian ideology about purity is that there is a different kind of separation of sex from love- referred to as a "detachment" of the moral from the purpose in this brilliant article from Relevant Magazine.
Therefore conservative Christian culture focuses on purity as a moral obligation to God and those who compromise their purity are dirty, damaged goods in the eyes of God and their future spouse.
The message of purity that is preached by most conservative Christians is one WITH OUT HOPE. They intimidate young people to keep their virginity through fear of condemnation. They teach that when you lose your virginity you irrevocably lose your purity and that is false.
We all are sinners. Maybe our sin is different but we are all sinners and all fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:10-18. It is God's love and the provision of salvation (forgiveness) through His Son, Jesus Christ that makes us righteous. That is how we are reconciled to God. So what makes us pure? What reconciles us to our spouse if we have already been "one" with other people? The same thing, salvation/forgiveness through Christ and God's love and the love between you and your spouse.
THIS is the problem with conservative Christian culture. We don't preach enough about LOVE. Not just the love of Christ in which there is no condemnation for past sexual sin, but the perfect true love that is supposed to exist between man and wife- which is supposed to be the motivation for purity!
I grew up in a church where purity was preached as a moral obligation to God. God doesn't want you to have sex before marriage. Ok, but why? Just because He said so? God always has a reason!
Not only was true love between a man and woman not preached- it was discouraged in my church! Marriage was taught as an obligation/commitment. My pastor preached that "love" was just feelings that can't be trusted and that God didn't have one person picked out for you. You choose to enter into a commitment of marriage with another believer as a "partner" for life and then you honor that commitment. End of story. The seven years I attended this church the entire book of the Bible, Song of Songs, was never preached. Song of Songs is about nothing except the passionate love and oneness within marriage.
This lack of belief in true love isn't found just in churches, its throughout society today. It just is shocking that it should be found within a religion that is supposed to be built on the love and providence of God.
The providence of God refers to His protective care over us. It covers everything from His plan for salvation to how we obtain our "daily bread". God's providence doesn't just cover humanity either:
"Aren't two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will."
Matthew 10:29
We all are sinners. Maybe our sin is different but we are all sinners and all fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:10-18. It is God's love and the provision of salvation (forgiveness) through His Son, Jesus Christ that makes us righteous. That is how we are reconciled to God. So what makes us pure? What reconciles us to our spouse if we have already been "one" with other people? The same thing, salvation/forgiveness through Christ and God's love and the love between you and your spouse.
THIS is the problem with conservative Christian culture. We don't preach enough about LOVE. Not just the love of Christ in which there is no condemnation for past sexual sin, but the perfect true love that is supposed to exist between man and wife- which is supposed to be the motivation for purity!
I grew up in a church where purity was preached as a moral obligation to God. God doesn't want you to have sex before marriage. Ok, but why? Just because He said so? God always has a reason!
Not only was true love between a man and woman not preached- it was discouraged in my church! Marriage was taught as an obligation/commitment. My pastor preached that "love" was just feelings that can't be trusted and that God didn't have one person picked out for you. You choose to enter into a commitment of marriage with another believer as a "partner" for life and then you honor that commitment. End of story. The seven years I attended this church the entire book of the Bible, Song of Songs, was never preached. Song of Songs is about nothing except the passionate love and oneness within marriage.
This lack of belief in true love isn't found just in churches, its throughout society today. It just is shocking that it should be found within a religion that is supposed to be built on the love and providence of God.
The providence of God refers to His protective care over us. It covers everything from His plan for salvation to how we obtain our "daily bread". God's providence doesn't just cover humanity either:
"Aren't two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will."
Matthew 10:29
So, even though God's will is exerted over the life and death of birds, His providence doesn't include our love lives? He would just leave that up to us?
If I thought sex was supposed to be saved for my "partner" with whom I would toil to fulfill commandments of God, I can promise you, I would NOT be a virgin right now.
Expecting someone to resist sexual temptation out of moral obligation alone is ridiculous. You need a good reason! Ok, so God doesn't want you to have premarital sex, why?
Because sex is supposed to be saved for true love, now that is motivation!
Because sex is supposed to be saved for true love, now that is motivation!
Now, I don't believe there is a soulmate out there for everyone (that is how romantics get it wrong). For example, I don't think Mother Theresa left some poor guy heart broken all his life because she devoted her life to serving God instead of falling in love and getting married. She wasn't meant to be with someone. So there wasn't "the one" out their for her, and that happens. As Jesus said, in the verses from Matthew that I quoted in "Echad"; some are born as eunuchs (born without functional genitals), some are made eunuchs by other people (like a man in an accident that paralyzes him from the waist down) and some choose to live their lives as eunuchs for the glory of God (like Mother Theresa).
But I can guarantee you, that if you are supposed to have sexual relations than you are supposed to get married, and if you are meant to get married than God has ONE person that He made to be your soulmate just as He made Adam and Eve to be together.
We all should contemplate the possibility that God might intend our lives for a purpose that does not allow for marriage, but if we feel strongly that we desire that perfect oneness with someone than you must wait patiently for that person! And if you don't wait for them, if you start romantically entangling yourself with other people, than all bets are off.
If you aren't waiting for your true love then there's no guarantee you're going to be available/in a position to receive him/her when God brings him/her into your life. Thats the greatest jeopardy of premarital relations. For example, a guy gets involved with a girl he never should have dated, she gets pregnant, he marries her out of a sense of obligation, and then "the one" walks into his life. What then? Bye-bye, true love. I'm certain people lose/miss out on true love all the time. Hello, fall of man, we got ourselves kicked out of Eden!
If you aren't waiting for your true love then there's no guarantee you're going to be available/in a position to receive him/her when God brings him/her into your life. Thats the greatest jeopardy of premarital relations. For example, a guy gets involved with a girl he never should have dated, she gets pregnant, he marries her out of a sense of obligation, and then "the one" walks into his life. What then? Bye-bye, true love. I'm certain people lose/miss out on true love all the time. Hello, fall of man, we got ourselves kicked out of Eden!
I think some conservative Christians discredit "love" because of the fear that kids will let their feelings of infatuation inflame their desire and then they'll justify premarital sexual sin by saying they're in "love". I disagree with this approach. We aught to be putting our children in awe of how encompassing and deep and passionate true love is. We need to teach them truths about self control, patience, and true love vs. infatuation. Infatuation is not love. In fact, any "love" that someone experiences in a relationship then doesn't last isn't "love". How do I know this? Because:
LOVE NEVER FAILS.
1 Corinthians 13:8
LOVE NEVER FAILS.
1 Corinthians 13:8
Another blog on true love at another time.
In addition to discrediting the emotional aspect of love, conservative Christians often perpetuate an idea of sex being "dirty, nasty, and gross; so save it for the one you love." We talk about STD's and unplanned pregnancy and shame. We don't talk about it as a perfect gift of oneness as God intended. Its just a bad time all around. Again, I attended church and various Christian youth conferences/events from ages 12 to 18, and I never heard a positive message on sex or romantic love.
We are dropping the ball, guys! Is it any wonder why the rate of premarital sex is so prevalent among confessing Christians? 80% of us, guys! (according to statistics in the 2009 National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, source here.)
See, its still a problem with values. Conservative Christians are valuing the moral obligation to remain a virgin until marriage (virginity strikes again!) and the spiritual superiority complex is carries with it rather than focusing on the purity within the perfect oneness of the marriage relationship that God intended from the beginning of time!
If all men valued women as God intended them to and were willing to
"love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"
Ephesians 5:25
Ephesians 5:25
you would have men who valued women's bodies as the temple of their souls and the Holy Spirit regardless of their status as virgins or not, and you wouldn't have a patriarchal society that oppressed women.
If all women valued men as God intended and respected them (Ephesians 5:33) and their bodies as the temples of their souls and the Holy Spirit, we would not have the inappropriate double standard regarding virginity/purity that we have today.
If all people were raised to treasure their own bodies as the temple of their soul and the Holy Spirit and to value the perfect oneness of physical intimacy in marriage as a means of facilitating perfect spiritual oneness, I wouldn't be writing this blog.
Since I mentioned Ryan Gosling "Hey Girl" feminist memes, here is one:
And here is the website it came from if you want to see more.
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