So it doesn't hurt...

Now and then there will be a song on the radio that really shows the sad, emotional brokenness of casual sex. There was Bruno Mars' "Young Girls":

"Oh, I still dream of a simple life
Boy meets girl, makes her his wife
But love don't exist
When you live like this
That much I know, yes I know. All these roads steer me wrong
But I still drive them all night long, all night long"

Neon Trees' "Sleeping with a Friend" absolutely horrified me when I first listened to it.  However, after it played over and over on the radio, I had to admit that it was pretty darn catchy. Not only is it catchy, but it is pretty honest about the pathetic lack of self control that can allow physical impulses to blur the lines between "friends" in order to share the comforting imitation of "love" that casual sex provides:

"I said ooh, ooh
You got me in the mood, mood
I’m scared
But if my heart’s gonna break before the night will end
I said, ooh, ooh we’re in danger
Sleeping with a friend, sleeping with a friend. We are both young, hot-blooded people
We don’t wanna die alone
Two become one, it could be lethal
Sleeping with a friend"

I like its little wink at the eternal truth of two becoming one (echad) as first described in Genesis. Yeah, becoming one with your "friends".  Great idea. 

My very favorite homage to the sad, brokenness of casual sex is, without a doubt, Sam Smith's new song "Stay with Me":

"Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand
But I still need love cause I'm just a man
These nights never seem to go to plan
I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?"

Ah, the age old lie that because we, as human beings, are simply "highly evolved animals", we "need" sexual satisfaction as a simply undeniable human urge like hunger and thirst; and we are supposed to be good at separating love from sexual intimacy so that we can enjoy promiscuous sex.

"Oh, won't you stay with me?

Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see

But darling, stay with me"

Nice, this guy is trying to get this person to spend the night with him in order to fill some temporary emotional needs- selfishly using someone he admits he doesn't love.

"Why am I so emotional?

No it's not a good look, gain some self control
And deep down I know this never works
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt"

First, reinforcement of the idea that sexual "intimacy" isn't actually supposed to be emotionally "intimate", awesome. Then, admitting the suppressed truth that casual sex is damaging while continuing to use sex to relieve the pain of that truth. 

YES. YES. YES.

Thank you Sam Smith, you have a lovely voice that lends its self well to saturating these lyrics with the depressing angst they demand.  Well done. 

Doesn't all of us either know or are someone like this?  They want to be "with" someone, they want to have sex, they want to have someone fill their needs, they want someone to help pay half their rent, but they don't love the person they are with.  What's wrong with us? Yeah, I'll include myself. I haven't had sex with anyone but I've given more of myself, emotionally and physically, than I should have to guys I never loved. I was good at lying to them and myself even.  Isn't that what we're all good at? Deceiving ourselves and others? I've definitely been there, "I know this is going to end but I'll make out with you one more time if you'll just hold me a little longer and tell me I'm beautiful."  Is that the best we can do?  Is that what we want for our children someday? Thats not love.  Love doesn't end in fiery turmoil or cold indifference.  Love doesn't end.

Most relationships are (in my opinion) just repeating one night stands, co-dependent relationships that grow out of people just using each other. I've known plenty of people who were emotionally dependent on their significant others; I've met very few people in love. It is exactly as sad and miserable and pathetic and broken as Sam Smith's song.  

And you listen to that song and you want the guy, Sam Smith or this fictional persona he creates, to actually fall in love with someone. Aw poor guy, all lonely and broken in bed with some one he doesn't love.  Go fall in love, dude.

"And deep down I know this never works.

But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."

So this cycle repeats, right?  Today's modern man or woman racks up some one-night stands and flings, some mediocre "long term" relationships, maybe a few "cohabitation" partners. They wear out the nueuro-chemical bonding processes by initiating the bonding chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin over and over with different people; bonding, breaking, bonding, breaking.  They catch a few std's, at least a couple strands of hpv (maybe a cancerous one), most likely gonorrhea-all of which they will probably share with the next one in line. They risk pregnancy and many bring "accidental" children into the world or have abortions. They dramatically increase their likelihood of infidelity and divorce once married. They share all the "intimate" facets of life and acquire all the emotional baggage which this song so generously represents. Finally, they move on to "commitment" and share matching jewelry with somebody and maybe a mortgage, but that's not love. I'm not saying people don't often have good intentions for each other, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

Love is waiting until you see that "one", seeing all their broken pieces and saying, "I'll take it all, everything", not just for now but for always- an exchange of souls, seeing their body as the temple of their soul.

"And deep down I know this never works.

But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."

How likely is it that this guy is going to find "the one"? When he's not even looking/waiting for them? Producing the "big O" with one person generates the exact some "feel-good" bonding chemicals as it does with another person.  And he's just chasing that high. What is "the one" going to feel like? How is he going to bond to them? Honestly, I'm asking, I don't know, cause I haven't been there.  

Often, I feel like a prudish loser in the eyes of the general society, but you know what.  I am so grateful I never performed the most intimate act two people can share (Say Anything, anyone?) simply to satisfy some primitive emotional or physical need.  I've never used anyone or been used like that.  

"And deep down I know this never works.

But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."

The only reason this song isn't tremendously depressing is because the neuro-chemicals in the bonding process initiated by sex (while scientifically irrefutable) can't account for all the "magic" of love, and I believe in the miracle of grace. So, Sam Smith might have some happier and more meaningful songs someday.  I just wouldn't bet money on it.

Link to song for mobile users here.