Now and Then

Now and then, I read something that makes me think, "Ok, I'm done. I can stop writing now."

Every once in a while, I read something that harmonizes so well with the throb of my own heart that I have to applaud it and offer it up as a better and more succinct expression of my own ideals than I can manage myself (as I am prone to pontificating and taking far too long to make my point).

So, I give you: "sarahisawriter" from Tumbler and her blogpost "Christians, stop staying pure until marriage."

Just so much yes, particularly this passage regarding her desire not to "lose" her purity:

"Sex is precious. It’s one of the most beautiful and mysterious gifts God gave mankind (next to coffee and dark chocolate and peanut butter—completely different blogs.) It’s the emotional connection, the physical glue, and the spiritual hemming of two bodies becoming one soul in complete selflessness till a call from eternity separates them indefinitely.

Marriage is the vow such intimacy lends itself to, the covenant it was created for. How terrible to understand the context of its power and think of it as something simply to be lost.

Call me crazy, but I don’t want to lose it. I want to give it away. I want to place it in the hands of the one whom I know will carry it with him. Because something freely given away isn’t something that’s recklessly abandoned. It’s held close, it’s treasured, it’s preserved with every smile, remembered in every kiss, and honored with every touch. It’s what makes every moment afterwards new again."

"It's what makes every moment afterwards new again."

Crapadoodles lemon-streudel. (My chosen expletive since kids I used to babysit read this blog.)

Such beautiful, beautiful thoughts...truth. I don't pray much for people whom I don't know, unless a mutual friend makes a request, but I will be praying for this young woman. I am so hoping that she never, ever has to let go of that beautiful truth and I hope God has a man for her who will treasure the entirety of her and that truth with her.

After she posted that blogpost, it went viral (mostly due to the provocative title) and promoted a wide range of reactions. In "How I Sold my Soul in 1,200 Words or Less", Sarah addresses the various responses she received. It is well worth the time to read. I particularly enjoyed her thoughts on the readers who appreciated her blogpost but who thought it was "too late" for them to apply the ideals to their own lives.

Heck, yes.

Keep writing, Sarah.

I could disappear completely.

I've always been vocal about my displeasure with the stereotypical, conservative Christian "purity culture". It focuses too much on the virginity of young girls. If you focus on physical virginity, you actually miss the entire point of being pure,which is truly a spiritual concept. Yes, in regards to sex as God intended, you can't separate the physical from the spiritual; however, virginity is not purity. They are not interchangeable terms. Some of the women who most inspire me are those who are pursuing purity after various sexual histories. To put it plain and simple, there is too much "slut shaming" in stereotypical purity culture, and women bear the brunt of it. 

Too much responsibility is placed on women to be the ones who say "no". Purity culture almost ignores the responsibility of men. Guess what guys, "you don't get points for not being a rapist", as Jason Evert said. You don't have to let a woman seduce you. It is actually possible to control yourself. Women can have sex drives just as seemingly insatiable as yours. If we can say "no", so can you. Take some responsibility. 

However, while women may be "slut shamed" into purity, young men are not instilled with any kind of sense of how valuable and significant their sexuality is. Men are deeply devalued by the stereotypical purity message. Purity culture seems to just largely ignore the sexuality of men except to tell them that they shouldn't "pressure" a woman if she doesn't want to have sex. Drives me crazy. 

But.

The very worst thing about purity culture is that it paints a rather negative picture of sex. It is all about denying yourself, denying your "physical" urges. They tell you to "wait" but they don't even really talk about the incredible, amazing thing you are waiting for. They say "true love waits" but they don't talk about how true love is manifested in sex.

Mark Driscoll put it this way; he said that stereotypical purity culture teaches us that sex is "dirty, nasty, and wrong; so save it for the one you love". 

So, I am not a fan of purity culture. However, I want to talk about Rebecca St. James tonight.

Image found here.

Rebecca St. James was basically the poster-child for conservative Christian purity culture when I was growing up in the late 1990's and early 2000's. Around age eleven, I had kind of stumbled upon the tenants of "purity" through my own study of the Bible (which I talked about in the blog post "My Favorite Porn Star"), but I started going to church regularily a year or so later. It was then, that I was first exposed to "purity culture", and it just so happens that my first concert ever was actually a Rebecca St. James concert. I even got to meet her; I still have pictures and a signed poster somewhere to prove it. 

I liked Rebecca St. James but not because of her purity message. She has a truly amazing voice, and some great songs. I still have a couple that I listen to on my iPhone. Her version of "Be thou my Vision" is still my favorite. There wasn't anything wrong with her purity message it just…seemed impractical. 

She was a spokesperson for the "True Love Waits" campaign that started in 1993. The "movement" as it was called was really just colossal effort to market purity to Christian youth. In collaboration with Lifeway (a Christian resource company), such things as pamphlets, books, videos, and "purity pledge cards" were distributed to churches, Christian schools, colleges and etc. The purity pledge that kids were urged to sign said this, "Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate and my future children to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship."

Being the cynic I was at such an early age (growing up with the kind of father I had will do that to you), this campaign seemed like a lot of nonsense to me, and truly it was. Hardly anyone is waiting. We know even among conservative Christians, less than 20% are waiting until marriage before having sex intercourse (source here). If that statistic included other sexual acts like oral sex and mutual masturbation, I guarantee it would be in the single digits. Researchers have specifically studied those who had signed "True Love Waits" cards and found that by the time they were in college 6 out of 10 had already broken their pledge, and more than 50% of those who hadn't "broken" the pledge admitted to engaging in oral sex (source here).

Simply pushing the command to "wait" doesn't work. Not only is that aggravating, it is depressing. It's depressing because I waited. While standing in the crowd at that Rebecca St. James concert listening to her sing "Wait for Me", I knew I was going to wait, and I knew that most likely no one was going to wait for me. I guess I was mostly aggravated that no one was peddling a message that might actually work. Which is why I stand up here on my soap box now, I guess, trying to share a message that might actually work. I don't actually expect to be successful; I just have to try anyways. 

"Wait for Me" is certainly the most famous "purity song" amongst conservative Christians.  Its a decent ballad; St. James sings it well.  Pathetically, it sums up my sentimental feelings pretty well. 

Darling, did you know that I

I dream about you

Waiting for the look in your eyes

When we meet for the first time

And darling, did you know that I

I pray about you

Praying that you will hold on

Keep your loving eyes only for me

'Cause I am waiting for

Praying for you, darling

Wait for me too

Wait for me as I wait for you

Darling, did you know

I dream about life together

Knowing it will be forever

I'll be yours and you'll be mine

However, this song (like my feelings) is entirely irrelevant to today's society. Somewhere in the lyrics is a little blurb about starting over if you screwed up the whole waiting thing, but we all know they are pushing prevention here. I was never particularly interested in prevention (because it is absolutely impractical more than 80% of the time, duh), I've always focused on revelation and redemption, because within that message is a "never tell me the odds" kind of hope.

So, I dismissed the True Love Waits campaign (which is still going strong), and I just never got into Rebecca St. James' music enough to follow her and her purity message. 

However, you may remember I brought up her "Wait for Me" song in a blog post a couple months ago ("Sex and Stupid Expectations"), and that got me wondering about what happened to her. Back when I was listening to her music, she was very single. She spoke in interviews about not having any prospects and struggling to accept the idea that maybe God didn't intend for her to get married (she was in her 20's at the time). So what happened to her? Its a decade later, did she ever get married? Was it worth the wait? Did he wait for her? Did she give up on waiting?

It was a huge surprise to me that I would be so excited when I found out.

She kept waiting.

She waited until she was 33 years old!!

I'm gaining on 26 and I feel like my virginity is getting old and dusty. 

She waited until she met, fell in love, and married "the one"…and guess what, he waited for her too.

And get this, she married Jacob Fink, the bassist for Foster the People! I know right? Random. 

I would implore you to watch this five minute video of Rebecca St. James talking about meeting and marrying her husband…it's….beautiful and very touching:

Link to video for mobile users here.

I'm definitely guilty of coveting that feeling of being "cherished" that she talks about as well as the shared understanding that God destined them to be each other's "one and only" (Although you and your spouse don't have to be virgins to share those things, it seems no one wants to admit they were supposed to wait if they didn't; they would rather sacrifice true intimacy in order to justify their sin).  I baulked a little bit when they talked about exchanging purity rings. I will tell you that I find it distasteful because the practice is just such a cliche of purity culture...but I used to wear an Irish claddagh ring for the same reason, so maybe my revulsion is more motivated by envy than I'd like to admit. 

St. James, or rather Mrs. Fink, still works as a spokesperson for purity and does interviews now and then in which she defends abstinence and talks about the precious intimacy and joy of marriage. I'll share only one with you and, forgive me, but it is from Fox News. Lets be honest though, who else is going to have Rebecca St. James on their show talking about purity?

Link for mobile users here.

Before I keep going I just have to say- the orange suspenders on that guy…seriously? Jeez louise. So garish. 

Any ways, back to St. James/Mrs. Fink and this Fox News interview. Did you catch the old "drive the car before you buy it" argument again? Ouch. I particularly liked the guy's firm insistence that real intimacy had "no value" in today's culture. But when Rebecca St. James talks about being so glad she doesn't have intimate memories with anyone else except her husband, yes! That's what I'm talking about. When she says, how glad she is that her husband doesn't have any other women to compare her to… ouch. "We only have each other." Ouch. And we get back to why the message of stereotypical purity culture doesn't work for me. Less than 3% of Americans save sex for marriage and only 40% of that minority are men. 

In closing, I have actually become quite a pessimist about love and sex. I was finally honest about that in "Passion, Dinosaurs, and the Impossible Dream". I believe whole heartedly in waiting for true love, but the world is just a very dark place. You don't always reap what you try to sow. Therefore, such things as Rebecca St. James' song "Wait for Me" simply don't work for me. They seem to mock me more than encourage me. Maybe you feel this way. Maybe you don't. Maybe you've been blessed with a love story like Rebecca St. James. Praise God! I hope so; that is the way it is supposed to be and it is amazing and beautiful and holy. I am so glad that some people do wait for true love, and I am SO glad that a few of my friends have that story. But maybe that isn't your story. Maybe you didn't figure out you were supposed to wait until it was already far "too late". Maybe you ended up waiting for someone who didn't wait for you. Maybe you've been broken by the darkness. All I know is that those stories are far more common than Rebecca St. James', and we need a song too.

Lord knows I'm not going to write one- I'm not a musician- so I've borrowed one from Mary Lambert. I am quite sure that Mary Lambert wasn't thinking about purity when she wrote this, but it is the only song that has ever resonated with me and how I feel about "intimacy". You can listen to it here:

Link for mobile users here.

 

One foot in front of the other

Keep breathing just like they taught you

You politely asked to take a walk with me

I would've married you there underneath the trees

Is it real, this thing?

Is it real, ooh, this thing?

I could make you happy

I could make you love me

I could disappear completely

I could be your love song

I could be long gone

I could be a ghost in your eardrum

When you sleep, will it be with me?

I swore I saw you in a dream

All dressed in white and wide smile

You politely asked to take a walk with me

And I married you there underneath the trees

Can you feel the beat of my heartbeat beat through me?

I could make you happy

I could make you love me

I could disappear completely

I could be your love song

I could be long gone

I could be a ghost in your eardrum

When you sleep, will it be with me?

How did I miss you, when I didn't know you? 

I could make you happy

I could make you love me

I could disappear completely

I could be your love song

I could be long gone

I could be a ghost in your eardrum

I could make you happy

I could make you love me

I could disappear completely

Be with me when you sleep

Be with me

You Would Be Surprised

As I mentioned in Passion, Dinosaurs, and the Impossible Dream, I've had my fair share of boyfriends who did everything they could to convince me that sex was not significant in order to either get me to sleep with them or to justify keeping ex-lovers around. I'm not sure what could be more painful for this idealistic, romantic, and naive virgin than sitting down to dinner with the guy she thinks she's falling in love with…and a couple of his former lovers. While it seems so black and white to me, it is really quite difficult to argue from my side of it...because I haven't had sex. Most just shrug off my idealistic dribble as naiveté and doggedly harp on that "sex is just physical" mantra. I don't yet have experience upon which to stand and make my point (just my soap box). People generally tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, that I've got it all wrong. Perhaps they are right. However, there are some things I do know.

During one of my attempts to convince a boyfriend of the inherent significance of entering someone's body and sharing the highest form of life-creating intimacy with them, he said to me:

"I doubt you are going to be in a nursing home, 90 years old, talking about all the great sex you had."

Obviously, he was implying that people do not look back on sex as a significant life experience worth talking about in their "twilight" years on earth.

Well, I may not know much about sex, but I know the elderly.

I am a nurse. I work in geriatrics (with the elderly), and I have worked in several nursing homes. Over the last four years, I have spent more quality time with my old folks than with…well just about anyone else in my life. People remain sexual beings throughout their lives - regardless of their physical capabilities- and yes, sex remains an "important" facet of life (however you want to define "important"). I am not talking about the stereotypical "dirty, old man"; although I've encountered a few of those. I have even met women well into their 80's, 90's, and beyond who had a surprisingly "dirty" sense of humor or who enjoyed telling anecdotes of earlier escapades with a little wink. However, I'm not talking about that kind of elder-sexuality.

I'm talking about the real lovers. 

You can recognize them as soon as you walk into their rooms. Their sexuality is simply all over the place. They are the ones with pictures covering their walls; with pictures in frames on the bureaus and nightstand; with photo albums constantly laid out on the beds or in their laps. Grainy,worn, black-and-white photos of weddings and honeymoons and anniversaries and holidays- an informal timeline of love.  But most of all (of course) pictures of their children. Pictures of their children and grandchildren and great grandchildren… Oh, by the way (in case you forgot) you can't have children without sex (even if adopted, somebody had to have sex to make them). So, yeah, sex is pretty significant to the lives and legacies of most people, even in their elder years-even if they aren't talking about "all the great sex" they had.

I could fill a book with the memories that my elderly have shared with me about their love lives.

This past summer, I was sitting outside with a woman in her early 90's who I didn't know too well, but I knew she had been married and had many children. I turned to her and said what I usually say. "I am a sucker for romance, would you tell me how you met your husband?"

She didn't disappoint me.

She was a secretary and she met him at a work party. She was 18; he was a little older, and he wouldn't leave her alone. She didn't date. She had been asked by quite a few men but she never went out with any of them. She was holding out for something, she wasn't sure. But this young man was very persistent and finally she agreed.

"We went out on that first date and we were sitting together when he said 'I'm going to marry you' and I told him he was crazy! But I saw him every single day after that until we were married only about six months later. I knew he was the one, so we just got married…and we didn't shack up! Like you girls do now. I hear you girls talk, you know. Shacking up with this one, having that one's baby… back then, living together or having someone's baby- those things meant something. I never would have done anything like that; I never wanted to, but even if I had wanted to- I wouldn't have! That would have broken my father's heart."

"I never wanted to do anything like that either." I said quietly and then asked, "How many children did you have?"

"Eight!"

"Wow!"

"I know it…people always made me feel like I should be ashamed of that. The doctor would say, 'Jeez, all your husband needs to do is hang his pants on the bed post and you get pregnant!', but its not that we didn't know how to avoid it... I just loved my husband! I loved having his children!"

"I think its wonderful…"

"He was a wonderful man…(she shakes her head) he died too young! Taken from me too soon!"

"How old was he?"

"Eighty-six."

You can have no idea, how comforting it is to have a conversation with someone who sees forever love, sex, and children as intrinsically intertwined…as they should be.

Now, let me tell you about my very favorite.

This gentleman was already past 90 when I met him, a widower for more than 30 years who still loved to talk about his wife. He would tell me (and anyone else who would listen) the same stories, over and over. I never got tired of hearing them. I encouraged it. I would usually prompt him by saying:

"I love this picture of you and your wife on your wedding day. You both look so happy."

"Oh, we were!"

And he would start from the beginning.

"We met at a baseball game. I played baseball; there wasn't much else to do. It was the depression you know. There was no work to be had. So, a friend of hers took her to this game I was playing in, and I hit a home run and we won the game. I guess that impressed her because she insisted on meeting me."

He would go on to tell me about how they "went steady" for two years because he was in debt and couldn't get a job ("I was willing and able! There was just no work to be had.").

He wouldn't get married while he was in debt. He didn't want to bring that burden into their marriage. He will proudly tell you, how his wife (then fiancee) saved up her earnings (she was a secretary) and paid his debtor. "She said, 'There! Now we're getting married!" And I do love that wedding photo. The same devilish grin he still has…him and his wife looking so, so happy. And young. They were both only about twenty.

Then we get into the stories I love most and the stories that I think he loved most. He certainly repeated them the most, anyways.

"I was overseas for more than a year during the war (the war being WWII) and I never even looked at another woman (he shrugs as if this is nothing impressive). I just wasn't even tempted. Why would I be when I had such a wonderful woman at home? And I never worried about her being unfaithful at home, ever. We loved each other. And when I came home…I'll never forget how she ran from the kitchen into my arms. She jumped on me and wouldn't let go."

Then he would tell stories of his children. They had five children and would have had more but…

"The doctor was taking her to the operating room- they knew that they had to do a c-section because the last child had to be delivered that way- and the doctor said, 'we will be all done within two hours'. Well, two hours came and went…and then it was four…then six…then eight…and no one could tell me anything. It was the longest day of my life. Awful… then the doctor finally came back out to me and said, 'Well, we almost lost them, but we managed to save both your wife and your new son'. They couldn't stop my wife from bleeding so they had to do a hysterectomy… but the doctor worked hard to save her ovaries. The doctor said she was too young to not enjoy sex. (he winks at me) We were very thankful for that."

If you kept listening, he would tell you that when he and his wife were getting older they agreed to never argue anymore, and they didn't.  "We wanted to just enjoy each other; we didn't want to waste any of our time together."

I didn't often hear about his wife getting sick and how she died...those stories were still very painful to tell.

But what he did talk about was how he lived his life after she died.

This was my very favorite story. He told it all the time. I would walk by his room or by the dining room table and I would here him telling this story.

The story was about how he never had another woman after his wife.

"I got plenty of offers (he winks), but I always told them that I wanted to live with my happy memories."

"I wanted to live with my happy memories."

I heard that so many times.

"There was a girl that I went out with in high school who got in touch with me after my wife passed away, but I told her I wasn't interested. I wanted to live with my wonderful memories. There was a woman from the AO (the company he worked for) who kept inviting me over to her house at night (gives me a look with one of his crooked eyebrows raised), but I wasn't tempted. I just told her I was happier living with my memories. You see, my wife was such a wonderful woman, and when I die, I'm hoping I will get to see her again. Until then, I would rather just live with my many wonderful memories."

I would say something like, "I hope someone loves me like that someday."

And he would say, "Well if you have a boyfriend, bring him here! I'll give him a talking to and make sure he deserves you. Some men only want one thing, you know." And he would give me another wink and that devilish grin.

This gentleman passed away last year. I went to see him a couple days beforehand, we all knew the end was close. He couldn't talk but he looked me in the eyes and nodded a little when I spoke to him. All his family was around him and they didn't really know me, so I just said something pithy about how nice it was that all his children and grandchildren came. Then I told him I would see him in a couple days, kissed his forehead, and left. That was the last time I saw him.

What I really wanted to do was hold his hand and say:

"Thank you for loving one woman all of your days."

He will never know how much his stories meant to me.

The last time I got to hear those stories was about a week before he died.

So, people do talk about "all the great sex" they had during their life when they are on their death bed, but they don't talk about "great sex" the way they do in Playboy or Cosmopolitan. They wrap it all up with love and faithfulness and commitment and family…you know, the way it is supposed to be; but they DO talk about it.

And you know what, maybe I won't be lucky enough to have a love story that carries me to where this widower was at the end of his life. Maybe I won't be "90 years old in the nursing home" talking about truly great intimacy as he did… but I hope I will be, and I hope I have a husband who treasures intimacy with me the way my favorite widower valued it with his wife... faithful to her for more than 30 years after her death.

THAT is LOVE.

Image found on Google ages ago, unfortunately can't locate the link. 

Just a couple things.

Just a couple things that moved me recently.

Lies that make purity more difficult.

Why should we save sex for marriage? John Piper's response.
^ He doesn't have a great "mainstream" approach but sometimes the truth isn't pretty. If you want the truth of sexual purity in less than five minutes, listen to that.