I could disappear completely.

I've always been vocal about my displeasure with the stereotypical, conservative Christian "purity culture". It focuses too much on the virginity of young girls. If you focus on physical virginity, you actually miss the entire point of being pure,which is truly a spiritual concept. Yes, in regards to sex as God intended, you can't separate the physical from the spiritual; however, virginity is not purity. They are not interchangeable terms. Some of the women who most inspire me are those who are pursuing purity after various sexual histories. To put it plain and simple, there is too much "slut shaming" in stereotypical purity culture, and women bear the brunt of it. 

Too much responsibility is placed on women to be the ones who say "no". Purity culture almost ignores the responsibility of men. Guess what guys, "you don't get points for not being a rapist", as Jason Evert said. You don't have to let a woman seduce you. It is actually possible to control yourself. Women can have sex drives just as seemingly insatiable as yours. If we can say "no", so can you. Take some responsibility. 

However, while women may be "slut shamed" into purity, young men are not instilled with any kind of sense of how valuable and significant their sexuality is. Men are deeply devalued by the stereotypical purity message. Purity culture seems to just largely ignore the sexuality of men except to tell them that they shouldn't "pressure" a woman if she doesn't want to have sex. Drives me crazy. 

But.

The very worst thing about purity culture is that it paints a rather negative picture of sex. It is all about denying yourself, denying your "physical" urges. They tell you to "wait" but they don't even really talk about the incredible, amazing thing you are waiting for. They say "true love waits" but they don't talk about how true love is manifested in sex.

Mark Driscoll put it this way; he said that stereotypical purity culture teaches us that sex is "dirty, nasty, and wrong; so save it for the one you love". 

So, I am not a fan of purity culture. However, I want to talk about Rebecca St. James tonight.

Image found here.

Rebecca St. James was basically the poster-child for conservative Christian purity culture when I was growing up in the late 1990's and early 2000's. Around age eleven, I had kind of stumbled upon the tenants of "purity" through my own study of the Bible (which I talked about in the blog post "My Favorite Porn Star"), but I started going to church regularily a year or so later. It was then, that I was first exposed to "purity culture", and it just so happens that my first concert ever was actually a Rebecca St. James concert. I even got to meet her; I still have pictures and a signed poster somewhere to prove it. 

I liked Rebecca St. James but not because of her purity message. She has a truly amazing voice, and some great songs. I still have a couple that I listen to on my iPhone. Her version of "Be thou my Vision" is still my favorite. There wasn't anything wrong with her purity message it just…seemed impractical. 

She was a spokesperson for the "True Love Waits" campaign that started in 1993. The "movement" as it was called was really just colossal effort to market purity to Christian youth. In collaboration with Lifeway (a Christian resource company), such things as pamphlets, books, videos, and "purity pledge cards" were distributed to churches, Christian schools, colleges and etc. The purity pledge that kids were urged to sign said this, "Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate and my future children to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship."

Being the cynic I was at such an early age (growing up with the kind of father I had will do that to you), this campaign seemed like a lot of nonsense to me, and truly it was. Hardly anyone is waiting. We know even among conservative Christians, less than 20% are waiting until marriage before having sex intercourse (source here). If that statistic included other sexual acts like oral sex and mutual masturbation, I guarantee it would be in the single digits. Researchers have specifically studied those who had signed "True Love Waits" cards and found that by the time they were in college 6 out of 10 had already broken their pledge, and more than 50% of those who hadn't "broken" the pledge admitted to engaging in oral sex (source here).

Simply pushing the command to "wait" doesn't work. Not only is that aggravating, it is depressing. It's depressing because I waited. While standing in the crowd at that Rebecca St. James concert listening to her sing "Wait for Me", I knew I was going to wait, and I knew that most likely no one was going to wait for me. I guess I was mostly aggravated that no one was peddling a message that might actually work. Which is why I stand up here on my soap box now, I guess, trying to share a message that might actually work. I don't actually expect to be successful; I just have to try anyways. 

"Wait for Me" is certainly the most famous "purity song" amongst conservative Christians.  Its a decent ballad; St. James sings it well.  Pathetically, it sums up my sentimental feelings pretty well. 

Darling, did you know that I

I dream about you

Waiting for the look in your eyes

When we meet for the first time

And darling, did you know that I

I pray about you

Praying that you will hold on

Keep your loving eyes only for me

'Cause I am waiting for

Praying for you, darling

Wait for me too

Wait for me as I wait for you

Darling, did you know

I dream about life together

Knowing it will be forever

I'll be yours and you'll be mine

However, this song (like my feelings) is entirely irrelevant to today's society. Somewhere in the lyrics is a little blurb about starting over if you screwed up the whole waiting thing, but we all know they are pushing prevention here. I was never particularly interested in prevention (because it is absolutely impractical more than 80% of the time, duh), I've always focused on revelation and redemption, because within that message is a "never tell me the odds" kind of hope.

So, I dismissed the True Love Waits campaign (which is still going strong), and I just never got into Rebecca St. James' music enough to follow her and her purity message. 

However, you may remember I brought up her "Wait for Me" song in a blog post a couple months ago ("Sex and Stupid Expectations"), and that got me wondering about what happened to her. Back when I was listening to her music, she was very single. She spoke in interviews about not having any prospects and struggling to accept the idea that maybe God didn't intend for her to get married (she was in her 20's at the time). So what happened to her? Its a decade later, did she ever get married? Was it worth the wait? Did he wait for her? Did she give up on waiting?

It was a huge surprise to me that I would be so excited when I found out.

She kept waiting.

She waited until she was 33 years old!!

I'm gaining on 26 and I feel like my virginity is getting old and dusty. 

She waited until she met, fell in love, and married "the one"…and guess what, he waited for her too.

And get this, she married Jacob Fink, the bassist for Foster the People! I know right? Random. 

I would implore you to watch this five minute video of Rebecca St. James talking about meeting and marrying her husband…it's….beautiful and very touching:

Link to video for mobile users here.

I'm definitely guilty of coveting that feeling of being "cherished" that she talks about as well as the shared understanding that God destined them to be each other's "one and only" (Although you and your spouse don't have to be virgins to share those things, it seems no one wants to admit they were supposed to wait if they didn't; they would rather sacrifice true intimacy in order to justify their sin).  I baulked a little bit when they talked about exchanging purity rings. I will tell you that I find it distasteful because the practice is just such a cliche of purity culture...but I used to wear an Irish claddagh ring for the same reason, so maybe my revulsion is more motivated by envy than I'd like to admit. 

St. James, or rather Mrs. Fink, still works as a spokesperson for purity and does interviews now and then in which she defends abstinence and talks about the precious intimacy and joy of marriage. I'll share only one with you and, forgive me, but it is from Fox News. Lets be honest though, who else is going to have Rebecca St. James on their show talking about purity?

Link for mobile users here.

Before I keep going I just have to say- the orange suspenders on that guy…seriously? Jeez louise. So garish. 

Any ways, back to St. James/Mrs. Fink and this Fox News interview. Did you catch the old "drive the car before you buy it" argument again? Ouch. I particularly liked the guy's firm insistence that real intimacy had "no value" in today's culture. But when Rebecca St. James talks about being so glad she doesn't have intimate memories with anyone else except her husband, yes! That's what I'm talking about. When she says, how glad she is that her husband doesn't have any other women to compare her to… ouch. "We only have each other." Ouch. And we get back to why the message of stereotypical purity culture doesn't work for me. Less than 3% of Americans save sex for marriage and only 40% of that minority are men. 

In closing, I have actually become quite a pessimist about love and sex. I was finally honest about that in "Passion, Dinosaurs, and the Impossible Dream". I believe whole heartedly in waiting for true love, but the world is just a very dark place. You don't always reap what you try to sow. Therefore, such things as Rebecca St. James' song "Wait for Me" simply don't work for me. They seem to mock me more than encourage me. Maybe you feel this way. Maybe you don't. Maybe you've been blessed with a love story like Rebecca St. James. Praise God! I hope so; that is the way it is supposed to be and it is amazing and beautiful and holy. I am so glad that some people do wait for true love, and I am SO glad that a few of my friends have that story. But maybe that isn't your story. Maybe you didn't figure out you were supposed to wait until it was already far "too late". Maybe you ended up waiting for someone who didn't wait for you. Maybe you've been broken by the darkness. All I know is that those stories are far more common than Rebecca St. James', and we need a song too.

Lord knows I'm not going to write one- I'm not a musician- so I've borrowed one from Mary Lambert. I am quite sure that Mary Lambert wasn't thinking about purity when she wrote this, but it is the only song that has ever resonated with me and how I feel about "intimacy". You can listen to it here:

Link for mobile users here.

 

One foot in front of the other

Keep breathing just like they taught you

You politely asked to take a walk with me

I would've married you there underneath the trees

Is it real, this thing?

Is it real, ooh, this thing?

I could make you happy

I could make you love me

I could disappear completely

I could be your love song

I could be long gone

I could be a ghost in your eardrum

When you sleep, will it be with me?

I swore I saw you in a dream

All dressed in white and wide smile

You politely asked to take a walk with me

And I married you there underneath the trees

Can you feel the beat of my heartbeat beat through me?

I could make you happy

I could make you love me

I could disappear completely

I could be your love song

I could be long gone

I could be a ghost in your eardrum

When you sleep, will it be with me?

How did I miss you, when I didn't know you? 

I could make you happy

I could make you love me

I could disappear completely

I could be your love song

I could be long gone

I could be a ghost in your eardrum

I could make you happy

I could make you love me

I could disappear completely

Be with me when you sleep

Be with me