If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love’s sake only. Do not say,
“I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day”—
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity’s wiping my cheeks dry:
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love’s sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love’s eternity.
If you don't know the love story of Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning, Google it.
I am currently reading Undefiled: Redemption from Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships by Harry Schaumburg. It is much less depressing than The Chemistry Between Us and The Normal Bar (although the exact same scientific research is presented in all three books). Here is my favorite passage so far- the italics are the authors, but I added the bold to the parts that induced an Herbal-Essence-commercial-type response in me: "That said, please understand that God-glorifying real intimacy is the God-ordained path to healing and purity. God's gift of sex is designed for comfort, intimacy, pleasure, procreation, and control of sexual temptation. It is tragic and shallow if an engaged couple coming into their wedding night just see sexual intimacy as now permissible. Something is lost if passionate lovemaking is not seen and realized as part of God's created order. More tragic is the spouse who feels sex must now be tolerated rather than knowing that God is encouraging the couple to enjoy lovemaking completely. A man and a woman looking for a spouse had a huge pool of potential mates but ended up choosing each other. In reality, God put them together. Being in bed for love creates a new exclusive bond for life. That bond is all the more rich when you know that God is present and seeing the goodness of your erotic satisfaction. This union is to continue until death separates the couple or age and health become an issue. God-glorifying lovemaking is to be expected and celebrated. It is exciting, pleasurable, intoxicating, powerful, and unifying at the deepest spiritual level. Sexual intimacy may be briefly put aside for prayer, but prayer and Bible study are not more important than holy, sexual intimacy. Foreplay begins before a kiss, a hug, a touch, or a caress. Meaningful physical foreplay and lovemaking must be preceded by touching each other's hearts and minds… When touched inwardly, we are built to respond physically. Kissing is to be more than a casual greeting, but passionate. Touching and caressing are varied and will not be limited to the bedroom, and are always appropriate but should never make the other person uncomfortable. It should never just be a prelude to sexual intimacy but an expression of meaningful commitment, affection, and love that fills the mind with satisfaction and gives reassurance that you belong to each other fully and completely. Sexual intercourse is the ultimate physical union in this lovemaking setting, the expression of godly sensual joy to the point of giving and receiving with abandonment in the harmony of the moment as man and woman serve one another in vulnerable passion… In later years, I would come to appreciate more and more that she (the author's wife) is the gift of God, a sovereign God who knew the "us" before we were born, before our first kiss, and before our wedding night. God had a plan to bring us together before the foundations of the world for His purpose and glory, as well as for our satisfaction." -pages 164-166, Undefiled: Redemption from Sexual Sin, Restoration for Broken Relationships by Harry Schaumburg "exclusive bond for life", "unifying at the deepest spiritual level", "love that fills the mind with satisfaction and gives reassurance that you belong to each other fully and completely", "giving and receiving with abandonment in the harmony of the moment as man and woman serve one another in vulnerable passion"…? Yes, yes, yes. "vulnerable passion"
Yesssss, give me more. I could read thousands of pages of that. Every Christian who is married or hopes to be married someday in the future should own this book.
I really enjoy Zach Braff. He is famous for his comedy tv series Scrubs, but I think he's a great dramatic actor as well. His performance in Garden State is excellent and that whole movie made a big impact on me. His ability to juggle both comedy and drama so skillfully reminds me of Alan Alda from M*A*S*H (although he could never be as good as Alan Alda). I'm excited to see Zach Braff's new movie, Wish I Was Here, (which is now in theaters - free plug) and my anticipation has led me to re-watch a couple of his older movies. In 2006, Braff starred in The Last Kiss, which I love in the same sort of way that I love Sam Smith's song "Stay". Its undeniably painful and heart wrenching. I don't know how anyone could watch it and not think, "I never want that to be like that". The movie follows a group of men as they face turning 30 without a clue as to who they are, what they want to do with their lives, or how to actually love someone. Braff's character, Micheal, ends up cheating on his pregnant girlfriend with some hot, young college girl. Micheal is (in my opinion) entirely dishonorable and reprehensible. He lies, uses, abuses, and betrays both his girlfriend and the "other woman" just because he is scared his life is going to be "boring" if he has to commit his life to one woman and their unborn child. He is somehow redeemed by spending two or three days camped out on his girlfriend's porch in order to prove his "love" to her (I'm not buying it). When exactly did it become a virtue to hurt the people you are supposed to cherish just so you can "find yourself"? However, in the midst of these inarguably pathetic and very "typical" romantic entanglements, there is a beautiful message:
Thanks go to my mom for getting me the books and encouraging my favorite obsession/ pet peeve. The first book, The Normal Bar, is about the most extensive survey ever done on romantic relationships. The second, The Chemistry Between Us, is written by a doctor of neuroscience and talks about oxytocin and vasopressin and infidelity and all my other favorite things. Honestly, both are so depressing that I have to read a few pages and then abandon them for Peter Pan.
“Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.”
This talk was for young men, however I think it is a wonderful thing for men and women of all ages to watch. It should be inspirational to men and it should be an encouragement to women. When people throw statements around like "all men watch porn" or "all men just want sex" or "all men sleep around" etc etc as though it is "natural" and inevitable- NO, not all of them do. There are men like this in existence.
I find Hugh Hefner's costume in this picture very appropriate.
You, my friend, are going to be in trouble when you finally die.
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children.And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous -that is, an idolater-has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.Therefore do not become partners with them;for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light - for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true-and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible,for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,
“Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”
Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise,making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
I'm sure Katy Perry had a concept in mind when she wrote this song that is different from what I think of when I listen to it; however, I am going to borrow all the resonating power behind her idea (whatever it was) and apply it to my idealism.
When you feel ordinary and disposable as though you are on menu of women from which a man can pick and choose multiple courses (and you feel like the comfort food and not the delicacy); remember that God doesn't measure your value that way. If a man follows Christ, he is going to see you as sacred and precious; he isn't going to look at you (or any woman) as an object of lust (Matthew 5). Wait for that man who sees you as truly beautiful beyond compare and makes you feel as precious as you are.Don't give yourself away for less. The goal isn't to find a man who values you above all others but to find a man who values all women (and people in general) as precious and sacred and simply recognizes you as "the one" God intended for him. It should never be a competition. You should never feel stacked up against anyone else. You should never have to defend your worth or the truth behind why you wait to someone who says they love you. Wait for a man who can say something like:
You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.
Song of Songs 4:7
and who also treats you in a way that makes you believe those words.
Now, I abhor the common perspective that women should be treated like "princesses" while its ok for women to talk about men like they are dogs. So any men reading this, take note. The same goes for you. Your love should be as devoted to you as the church is devoted to Christ (Ephesians 5) and she should value your body as this amazing, sacred vessel which carries your heart and soul. You should be able to trust her implicitly and you should be the focus of ALL her desire. There are certainly a LOT of women lusting after Ryan Gosling, Tom Hiddleston, and etc- even if less women than men are into porn, they are still absolutely sinning when they lust after actors or musicians or flirt with "cute" guys at work even though they have a boyfriend/husband etc. And while the Bible verse above was specifically for women, here is one for you guys:
Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature..for the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7
Your heart is where your gorgeous-ness comes from too. I said gorgeous-ness because I wanted to say "beauty" but maybe you guys wouldn't like that. Is beautiful not manly? I think men can be beautiful. If a guy wants to suggest a better word, please let me know. Any ways, wait for a woman who can say:
My beloved is radiant,distinguished among ten thousand.
Song of Songs 5:10
and who treats you in a way that you believe it. You should be her one and only. You shouldn't be measured against previous relationships or who ever is hot in Hollywood. You shouldn't feel like you are compared to or have to compete with any other man she happens to know. Thats not love. She must be able to say:
I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.
Song of Songs 6:3
End of story, no competition. Forever and ever.
Most importantly, you both should be able to say:
I have found the one my soul loves.
Song of Songs 3:4
If you can't say that about the person you are with, then you are lying to them and yourself; and you are simply using each other.
I typed "beautiful" into Google to try and get a random picture to pair with this blog post. However, since most of the search results were naked women (which immediately made me hate Google and society in general), you are getting an old picture of me.
