Sex and Stupid Expectations

In my last post "If you ask Andy", I mentioned an anti-purity blog that had me very riled up.  The blogger was raised as a conservative Christian but then became an Atheist as an adult.  Therefore, she gives her anti-purity perspective very confidently- as though she fully understands "purity" from the inside, since she came from a conservative Christian background. 

If you remember from my last post, my problem with this woman's blog was her statement that premarital sex with multiple partners does no "actual harm" to a future marriage relationship.  "If you ask Andy" was kind of a "get ready for the beat down" warning to those casual Atheists/Agnostic/Secular Christians/etc who try to say sex is "just physical".  However, as I continue to ruminate on this woman's (poorly written) words; I realize there is another aspect of her blog post that actually bothers me more.  

Truly, the worst thing she talks about is how she valued purity before she became an Atheist.

She got the whole purpose of it entirely backwards. It doesn't surprise me that she became an Atheist and dropped purity, because she clearly never understood the basic fundamentals of Christianity.

So, I'm not going to beat on those who want to pretend premarital sex is really "just physical" and has no consequences (which is like a smoker pretending cigarettes don't cause cancer). Today, I want to refute a distorted view of purity that is not uncommon among ignorant, legalistic Christians. 

Yeah, I'm going after the self-righteous virgins.

Before we continue, here is the blog post in question:

 Sexpectations: Purity, Courtship, and Dating

To summarize, this blogger, Libby Anne, writes that the entire value of purity lies in expectations.  If you expect that your future spouse is going to be a virgin, then virginity will matter to you.  It is her opinion that this expectation is taught.  Therefore, if you aren't taught that purity is important and to be expected in a spouse, than it simply doesn't matter.

For something things, this is true, that expectations = worth. Take a dollar bill, it is only worth what you expect to get with it, right?  50 years ago, it was worth a lot more than it is today. 1950's kids were raised to "know the value of a dollar", because it was actually worth something.  In 1950, you could buy five loaves of bread for a dollar.  Today, you can't even get one loaf of bread with a dollar. Kids grow up today with an entirely different concept of the worth of a dollar bill.  I think the last time a dollar was exciting to me was when I got them from the tooth fairy. With inflation, it is hardly worth anything at all. In fact, the worth of a dollar bill today is only 10% of its value in 1950. Even though the dollar bill itself, as a physical object, has not changed, the value has changed based on what you can expect for it in return. 

Is that how we judge the worth of our bodies? Is the worth of our bodies determined by what we expect to get with it?  Are we only worth the pleasure others expect to get from us? 

So, Libby Anne grew up expecting to get someone's "virginity" in exchange for hers.  When she fell in love with a man who wasn't raised to value purity and was not himself a virgin, Libby Anne's expectations were left woefully un-met.  Not only was she disappointed that her husband didn't "wait" for her, she was resentful that he didn't value her virginity:

"When I first started dating the man who is now my husband, I was horrified by the fact that he had dated other women before me, and been physically intimate with them. I felt angry, angry at him and angry at those other girls. I knew one of them – she lived in my dorm – and I have to say I almost hated her. I felt that she had taken something from me, something precious, simply by dating my husband. He had given away a piece of his heart, I believed, and now the heart he would give me was incomplete. We could never have the best, all because he had dated before...

Weirdly, my now husband told me that he wished I had dated before. He even wished that I wasn’t a virgin. This completely threw me. Wasn’t he supposed to be thrilled that he was my first? Wasn’t my intact heart (and hymen) supposed to be some sort of present for him, some sort of gift? But he was serious. He really truly wished I had had previous boyfriends, and in fact he told me that not only would he not have cared if I had had sex before, but in fact he actually wished I’d had. 

I was so confused. I had saved myself for him – wasn’t that supposed to mean something? The reality is that it would have meant something if he had been a fundamentalist or evangelical boy raised to expect sexual purity and emotional purity. But he wasn’t, so it didn’t."

As I said in my last blog post, I entirely disagree that the value of purity lies only in the expectation of it. Premarital sex with multiple partners before marriage has a vast array of scientifically proven physical, psychological, and sociological consequences (as well as spiritual- but I can't say that is "scientifically" proven). In "If you ask Andy", I mentioned just a handful of the research that proves premarital sex with multiple partners does indeed cause "actual harm" to future marriages.  Also, the reaction that this blogger's husband had toward her virginity is shameful.  To value his wife so little that he wished she had played Russian roulette with disease, pregnancy, increased risk of depression, increased risk of divorce, etc etc? Shameful. 

BUT

It is just as shameful that this woman expected her husband to be a virgin as if this was something she deserved because she waited.  Secondly, how dare she think that saving sex for marriage made her more valuable! To insinuate that her husband was worth less, that he was incomplete/damaged because he wasn't a virgin? Shameful.

Alright now, this is for the few of you who are going to save sex for marriage. Pay close attention to what I am about to tell you. I have three very important points for you regarding (1) the value of virginity, (2) what you deserve for your virginity, and (3) expecting your spouse to be a virgin.

1)

Saving yourself for marriage has nothing to do with being someone's "first".  

Let me repeat.

SAVING YOURSELF FOR MARRIAGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING SOMEONE'S "FIRST".

Saving yourself for marriage has EVERYTHING to do with the love of your life being YOUR one and only.

"It's not just about knowing the standards you expect somebody else will meet for you; it's knowing the standards that you should live up to because your future spouse deserves them of you"

-Jason Evert
from How to Date your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul

Look, if you value purity than obviously you value your own body and that is as it should be, your body was made as a temple for your soul and for God. But the act of saving yourself for marriage is a giving, loving action that you do FOR your future spouse (and of course to honor God and how HE designed love to be). You don't save yourself for yourself.  You don't do it to increase your value and be worth "more" some how.  

Get this straight:

ALL of your worth comes from being made in the image and likeness of God. 

You can do nothing to add or subtract from that worth.

It is GOD who determines your value and He made it clear that YOU and every other human being is worth dying for.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

Therefore ALL people have the same worth, regardless of whether or not they have had sex with someone else. The physical status of your "virginity" has nothing to do with your value.  Saving yourself for marriage shows that you recognize the inherent value of human beings- both in yourself and others.  Saving yourself for marriage shows how YOU value the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of your future spouse.  It is about THEM, not you. 

You save yourself for marriage so that one day you can say to the love of your life:

• I didn't want to jeopardize your health or put your life in danger. 
• I couldn't imagine taking the risk of creating a child with anyone else because I wanted my legacy on this earth to be made with only you.
• I didn't co-habitat with anyone because I wanted to share all those little intimacies of life with only you.
• I didn't abuse the sexual bonding processes in my brain so that I could be perfectly one with you. 
• I saved every little orgasm for you because I wanted my greatest pleasure and joy on this earth to be shared with only you. (Remember, sex is the very highest physical pleasure you can experience in a healthy life. Only heroin produces more physical pleasure than sex.)
• I didn't want to put our life together at risk (because statistics are statistics for a reason and ALL research agrees that on average virgin's have more stable marriages with a much lower rate of infidelity and divorce).
• I wanted you to be the only person with whom I shared the most intimate act two people can experience so that it truly is "intimate", sacred, consecrated to you alone.
• I waited for you because you are worth waiting for.

It isn't about you, it is about the love of your life.

2)

Regardless of how you live your life, nobody OWES you ANYTHING.

All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

Isaiah 64:6

There is no one righteous not even one.

Ecclesiastes 7:20 and Romans 3:10

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.

1 John 1:8

We "deserve" nothing.

For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by His grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by His blood, to be received by faith.

Roman 3:22-25

Got it? Because we all are sinners we "deserve" nothing. If there was true justice, God would have wiped out mankind a long time ago and left it that way. Every good and perfect thing that we are blessed with comes from God as a gift of His grace (James 1:17).  Your righteousness comes from faith in God and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ to atone for our sins- not by your actions.  You don't obtain righteousness through your good acts and obedience- you do good things and obey God's commandments because HE deserves that from you for saving your sorry soul. Just because you waited for marriage doesn't mean God "owes" you a virgin, got it? You are no less a sinner than the spouse who gave up his/her virginity before marriage.  Was it sin to have sex before marriage? DUH but that doesn't "disqualify" them from life as God intended.  And YOU are not perfectly pure, understand? No one is. I guarantee you have struggled with sexual sin even if just within your heart and mind. We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. May the one with no sin cast the first stone (John 8:7).

3)

Here is the problem with "expecting" your future spouse to be a virgin:

Only 3% of people in the United States save themselves for marriage successfully.  

That means 97% of people DON'T.

The odds suck, guys.  It is very, very important that we, as Christians, are grounded in reality.  Only 20% of us young, conservative Christians are even trying to wait.  Hey guess what?  

The temptation to sin is hard to resist.

No!? Really?! 


Paul said it best:  

For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

Romans 7:19

Even those of us who LOVE how God designed love to be; even those of us who BELIEVE that it is true and right; even we make mistakes, we are taken advantage of, or we go through periods of doubt and rebellion. We mess up.  Only 3% make it guys.  You think you're too good for the other 97%? You think God would only plan for you to be with a virgin? You're out of your mind.

People want sex and very few people value themselves or eachother enough to bother keeping it as the sacred, bonding ritual that God intended it to be.  Few people bother with the self-control. They turn it into just another recreational activity people do with each other.  Even though they are gambling with their brain's ability to bond and to be truly intimate, with disease, with emotions, with the very wellspring of life (I don't know if you noticed but babies come from sex, and children of all things on this planet aught to be considered sacred, don't you think?). They disregard all of that and just do it for the endorphins, or they justify sharing this sacred bonding intimacy with various people along the lines of polyamory.

But the point is, almost everybody is doing it, and you're truly a fool to expect your future spouse to be a virgin. Even most conservative Christians are giving their bodies away to various people long before they walk down the aisle. Only 3% are making it to their wedding night, people! 

I was at a Rebecca St. James concert when I was about 14 or 15 (she's a very famous Christian singer for those who don't know).  I remember standing there in the audience while she sang:

Darling, did you know that I
I dream about you
Waiting for the look in your eyes
When we meet for the first time

And darling, did you know that I
I pray about you
Praying that you will hold on
Keep your loving eyes only for me

'Cause I am waiting for
Praying for you, darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you

Darling, did you know
I dream about life together
Knowing it will be forever
I'll be yours and you'll be mine

I stood there shaking my head and thinking, "Ain't nobody waiting for me." Even though I truly did have that dream since I was 11 years old. I dreamed about the one. I waited for that look in his eyes. I prayed for him. I waited for him, however as a moderately intelligent person and I knew the chances were slim that anyone would be waiting for me. I had no expectations. It is better to be prepared for reality.

Is it best to wait? YES.  Are there very, very serious and sometimes life-altering and even deadly consequences for those who do not wait?  YES.  Are you hurting yourself, the people you sin with, and your future spouse? YES. Does it mean you can "never have the best" if you don't wait? NO.  Dude, do you even understand the Gospel? 

God's favorite love story is not two perfectly pure virgins marrying each other and living happier ever after.  

Don't get me wrong. Two people saving themselves for marriage and being virgins together on their wedding night is perfect.  That is how God designed it to be; it honors God and it gives you the very best foundation for a long happy sex life and marriage (statistically proven).  It is this magical, lovely thing; and I don't want to take away the significance from that. Saving yourself for marriage is an incredible feat of self-control, devotion, adoration, commitment, and love. I urge everyone to wait for marriage. However, two virgins pairing up isn't God's favorite love story.  What? Well, what is His favorite love story? Have you read the Bible? Don't worry, I'll tell you...

This Woman.

Check out the following blogpost:

From Forte e Bello: Date a Man who Pursues your Heart

This woman is marvelous.  I recommend perusing her blog. So many great posts.

<3

  

Read more about this awesome woman here.

If you ask Andy...

My mind has been preoccupied with a blog I read recently.  This blog was written by a woman who was raised a conservative Christian but is currently a very out spoken Atheist.  She attacked the doctrine of "purity" with gusto. Her typical point of view is most concisely summarized by quoting the illustrious Andy Warhol:

"Sex is the biggest nothing of all time."

She asserted that sex had nothing to do with love and that having multiple pre-marital sexual partners did no "actual harm" to a future marriage.  

As I'm sure you can imagine, this ruffled my feathers more than a bit. I can only take so many people in the media and society telling me that my body, the highest intimacy I am capable of, and the conception of new human life has no inherent, sacred meaning. I'll admit, it's hard not to take this sort of thing personally.

However, what was infuriating was that this blogger presented her case as though it were fact when it was based entirely on her own personal feelings and (faulty) logic; no scientific research, no statistics, nothing.  No real evidence to support her position at all, and it was this that insulted my intelligence.

See, I don't mind if people disagree with me.  You can think I'm stupid and sexually repressed and fanatical if you want.  You can hate the stereotypical Christian doctrine of "purity". You can even hate my God, go ahead.  But don't be ignorant about it. Know the science. Know what you are talking about.

So, I have done hours upon hours of research to arm myself with truth in order to confront the very common assumptions and misconceptions about sex and purity/chastity that I have encountered from various Atheists, Agnostics, and "secular Christians" (aka people who call on the name of God but don't think they have to bother following His commandments or Jesus Christ).  I've made sure that ALL of my research has come from credible, nationally and internationally recognized sources that are not affiliated with any conservative Christian organizations or people.  I've tried my best to eliminate bias from the research I will present. 

Therefore, I am fully prepared to talk about the higher rate of infidelity and divorce among people with more than one premarital sexual partner and/or a history of cohabitation prior to marriage compared to those who wait for marriage (research that is corroborated by the Kinsey Institute which pioneered the sexual revolution in the 1960's).  I am ready to share the groundbreaking neuroscience research on the formation of intimate bonds due to oxytocin (known as the "love hormone" with higher levels found in females) and vasopressin (known as the "monogamy hormone" with higher levels found in men) released during sexual activity (with the greatest amounts released during orgasm).  I want to present the research that shows how breaking off a sexual relationship is like someone trying to give up heroin.  From brain studies, scientists have discovered that, with the bonding/habituating effects of oxytocin and vasopressin as well as the addictive levels of dopamine released during sex, a brain on sex does indeed look like a brain on drugs (Fun fact: only heroin releases more dopamine/causes more physical pleasure than sex).  There is an actual "withdrawal" process that takes place in the brain while you are disentangling yourself from a sexual relationship and you can not fully erase that bond in your brain.  Does all the relationship drama that happens around you make more sense now? This also explains why, during years 3-5 of a marriage (when the rate of infidelity is at its highest) an estimated 42% of unfaithful people commit infidelity with an "old flame" aka a former sexual partner. As they say, "old habits die hard".   I am anxious to share with you the frightening statistics about HPV (which is not effectively prevented by condoms since research shows it can be passed just by touching and possibly even kissing) and cervical cancer (which kills more than 4,000 women a year in the U.S.), as well as oral cancer (which is also caused by HPV and projected to far surpass cervical cancer over the next ten years).

So, I've got all this research and I'm ready to go!  

But I don't want to talk about any of that tonight.

I had an attack of nostalgia today.

I don't hang on to my ex-boyfriends.  I find it to be nothing but destructive to keep people close to you after you have shared something with them that was always meant for someone else.  I felt this way even before I knew there was scientific support for that idea.  Love never ends so if a relationship ends, it wasn't love. It is painful for me to think of the counterfeit version of "love" I shared with my mistakes (aka ex's) so I leave them in the past (may they live long and prosper). 

However, there are a few moments I cherish.  They are learning moments, moments that now make me shudder with the most comforting regret.  Regret is comforting, when it is simply an indication that you now know how much more you are worth, specifically who you are worth.

I like to think about the moment I told my first boyfriend that I loved him and knew deep down that it was a lie. I like to think about how I cried all the way home after my first kiss with my second "rebound" boyfriend because I hated myself for giving up on the vision I had when I was eleven and settling for the games most people call "dating". 

These moments are great, but I'm going to share my favorite moment with you.

Despite my emotional reaction to our first kiss, I kept things going with the "rebound" boyfriend for quite a while.  We were on and off because I wouldn't have sex with him; I think he kept coming back until he realized I really wasn't going to sleep with him after all. I kept things going, I think, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could keep a guy interested without giving him sex. I was also trying really hard to date like a "normal" person. One night, this "rebound" boyfriend was driving me home from the movies or something, and a OneRepublic song came on.  That song was "All This Time".

Take all the time lost

All the days that I cost

Take what I took and

Give it back to you

All this time

We were waiting for each other

All this time

I was waiting for you

We got all these words

Can't waste them on another

So I'm straight in a straight line

Running back to you

I could go into the details of the epiphany I had in that car, an epiphany over a decade in the making, but I won't.  For right now, its frankly too personal.  I'll only tell you this: God gave me a vision when I was eleven, not a hallucination-type vision but a kind of supernatural conviction.  I say supernatural because I can't take credit for it. I don't want to take credit for it. I didn't save sex for marriage because I am superior and think I am better than other people. I saved intimacy for marriage because by some grace of God I had this conviction. My belief in that conviction is what fueled this colossal effort to "wait"; and you know what?

I was right.

And God is faithful and merciful to those who want to love as He loves.

Now, for your viewing pleasure, here is the wedding video I stumbled upon while I was being nostalgic about this song. You can thank Youtube for randomly offering up this video when I simply wanted the original recording, sending me into all sorts of sentimentality, and preventing me from writing a more argumentative blogpost tonight. You'll have to wait a while longer for that one.

Link for mobile users here.

Different song- but absolutely my favorite wedding video:

Link for mobile users here. 

Andy Warhol "Love" print found here.

My Body

Haven’t you read, that at the beginning God 'made them male and female,' and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together,

let no one separate.

You are hard of heart, but it was not this way from the beginning.

These words of Christ are found in both Matthew (19:4-8) and Mark (10:5-8)

I have come that you may have life and have it to the full.

John 10:10

Be a rebel and want more.

Video link for mobile users here.

Oh, it's my road
It's my road

And it's my war
It's my war

His eyes are open

Oh, cause I want more

I want more

Picture found here.

"Just" Sleeping Around

Do me a favor and read this:  

To The Man Who Won't Sleep With Me
^via the Chastity Project blog

I'll admit I teared up a little. When you think something is really "abnormal" about yourself, hearing someone else express it is such a precious thing ("I'm nobody, who are you? Are you nobody too?" Emily Dickinson gets it).  I never spent the night with any of my mistakes (aka ex-boyfriends) but it always seemed like whenever we did homework it was always in their bedroom and there weren't any chairs...or their roommate had friends over in the living room so they would lead me to the bedroom to watch a movie and shrug saying, "Sorry, all I've got to sit on is the bed, no couch in here."  And I'd re-evaluate my rigid boundaries and think, well, we're just sitting, or; he's already put off because I won't have sex with him, whats he going to do if I say I can't sit on a bed with him? But it was never, ever just sitting.  I've "watched" so many movies of which I never saw anything beyond the opening credits.  But hey, I'm not having sex and all my clothes are on! Thats amazing! Who cares if I'm messing around with a guy with all my clothes on, on top of the covers?  Really, what can people say?  And heck, it's rather thrilling, and it feels good to be intimate like that, plain and simple. In both men and women, being held for 20 seconds or more stimulates the release of oxytocin, the same bonding chemical released (in higher amounts) during sexual intercourse and breastfeeding; see the official research journal article here or just an overview in the news here. 

But being on a bed in any capacity with one of the mistakes/ex-boyfriends never felt right.  It just felt dirty and cheap, and I had to talk myself into being "ok" with it. Additionally, it was always when I put myself in those situations that guys would try and push past the boundaries which I was always very careful to spell out to them.  It was just dirty, cheap, and risky.  But I kept that to myself.  I was surely weird enough already; I didn't have to be so neurotic as to tell guys I couldn't be on their bed with them.  I tried really hard to be at least semi "normal". And then recently, I was listening to a talk by Jason Evert "How to Date Your Soulmate" (get it here) and he said this:

"Her bed? Don't even sit on her bed.  It's not 'just a bed', it's an altar."

I literally jumped up and down and cheered when I first heard that.  Amazing!  But really, who ever decided all of this "isn't a big deal"?  Everything from sharing a bed to sexual intercourse itself, who decided it wasn't a big deal?  Shouldn't it be everything in the world just to brush your teeth and crawl into bed next to the person God pre-destined you to become one with, your soulmate?  Why is it ok to just share that sort of thing with anyone? 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be insignificant.  I want to be a big deal. I want everything about me to be a big deal; mind, body, heart and soul.  I want the warmth in bed next to me to be a sacred thing, because that's how God intended it to be.  That's what I'm worth.

That's what you are worth.

Who told you that you weren't a big deal? The topography of your skin is hallowed ground.  I don't care who has trespassed on it before even if you let them; it doesn't change anything; your body is sacred. To quote Mumford and Sons, my body is the only thing that "keeps my heart and soul in its place". It is our entire presence in this physical world. Your body is sacred, regardless of its physical characteristics.  You are precious and priceless. Your body is of infinite value. If you separate your soul from your body what happens?  You die. It kills you.  Don't let anyone do that to you. Where you lay your body down, where you engage in the most intimate act two people can possibly share, that piece of furniture, it is sacred. So, if you haven't been united in holy matrimony with God as your witness, stay off the bed. Simply because, 

you are worth more. 

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Hebrews 13:4

In the words of Christ:

'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.

Mark 10:7-9 and Matthew 19:5-6

Thank you, Brandon Flowers of The Killers, for this most perfect song:

Video link for mobile users here.

There's a still in the street outside your window
You're keeping secrets on your pillow
Let me inside, no cause for alarm
I promise tonight not to do no harm
I promise you babe, I will do you no harm

And we're caught up in the crossfire of Heaven and Hell
And we're searchin' for shelter

Lay your body down
Lay your body down
Lay your body down

Watching your dress as you turn down the lights
I forget all about the storm outside
Dark clouds roll their way over town
Heartache and pain came a-pouring down like hail, sleet and rain, yeah
They're handing it out

And we're caught up in the crossfire of Heaven and Hell
And we're searching for shelter

Lay your body down
Lay your body down
Lay your body down

Lay your body down
Lay your body down
Lay your body down

And tell the Devil that he can go back from where he came
His fiery arrows drew their bead in vain
And when when the hardest part is over, we'll be here
And our dreams will break the boundaries of our fear
The boundaries of our fear

Lay your body down
Lay your body down
Lay your body down

Lay your body down
Lay your body down
Lay your body down... next to mine

-"Crossfire" by Brandon Flowers

Picture source here.

So it doesn't hurt...

Now and then there will be a song on the radio that really shows the sad, emotional brokenness of casual sex. There was Bruno Mars' "Young Girls":

"Oh, I still dream of a simple life
Boy meets girl, makes her his wife
But love don't exist
When you live like this
That much I know, yes I know. All these roads steer me wrong
But I still drive them all night long, all night long"

Neon Trees' "Sleeping with a Friend" absolutely horrified me when I first listened to it.  However, after it played over and over on the radio, I had to admit that it was pretty darn catchy. Not only is it catchy, but it is pretty honest about the pathetic lack of self control that can allow physical impulses to blur the lines between "friends" in order to share the comforting imitation of "love" that casual sex provides:

"I said ooh, ooh
You got me in the mood, mood
I’m scared
But if my heart’s gonna break before the night will end
I said, ooh, ooh we’re in danger
Sleeping with a friend, sleeping with a friend. We are both young, hot-blooded people
We don’t wanna die alone
Two become one, it could be lethal
Sleeping with a friend"

I like its little wink at the eternal truth of two becoming one (echad) as first described in Genesis. Yeah, becoming one with your "friends".  Great idea. 

My very favorite homage to the sad, brokenness of casual sex is, without a doubt, Sam Smith's new song "Stay with Me":

"Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand
But I still need love cause I'm just a man
These nights never seem to go to plan
I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?"

Ah, the age old lie that because we, as human beings, are simply "highly evolved animals", we "need" sexual satisfaction as a simply undeniable human urge like hunger and thirst; and we are supposed to be good at separating love from sexual intimacy so that we can enjoy promiscuous sex.

"Oh, won't you stay with me?

Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see

But darling, stay with me"

Nice, this guy is trying to get this person to spend the night with him in order to fill some temporary emotional needs- selfishly using someone he admits he doesn't love.

"Why am I so emotional?

No it's not a good look, gain some self control
And deep down I know this never works
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt"

First, reinforcement of the idea that sexual "intimacy" isn't actually supposed to be emotionally "intimate", awesome. Then, admitting the suppressed truth that casual sex is damaging while continuing to use sex to relieve the pain of that truth. 

YES. YES. YES.

Thank you Sam Smith, you have a lovely voice that lends its self well to saturating these lyrics with the depressing angst they demand.  Well done. 

Doesn't all of us either know or are someone like this?  They want to be "with" someone, they want to have sex, they want to have someone fill their needs, they want someone to help pay half their rent, but they don't love the person they are with.  What's wrong with us? Yeah, I'll include myself. I haven't had sex with anyone but I've given more of myself, emotionally and physically, than I should have to guys I never loved. I was good at lying to them and myself even.  Isn't that what we're all good at? Deceiving ourselves and others? I've definitely been there, "I know this is going to end but I'll make out with you one more time if you'll just hold me a little longer and tell me I'm beautiful."  Is that the best we can do?  Is that what we want for our children someday? Thats not love.  Love doesn't end in fiery turmoil or cold indifference.  Love doesn't end.

Most relationships are (in my opinion) just repeating one night stands, co-dependent relationships that grow out of people just using each other. I've known plenty of people who were emotionally dependent on their significant others; I've met very few people in love. It is exactly as sad and miserable and pathetic and broken as Sam Smith's song.  

And you listen to that song and you want the guy, Sam Smith or this fictional persona he creates, to actually fall in love with someone. Aw poor guy, all lonely and broken in bed with some one he doesn't love.  Go fall in love, dude.

"And deep down I know this never works.

But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."

So this cycle repeats, right?  Today's modern man or woman racks up some one-night stands and flings, some mediocre "long term" relationships, maybe a few "cohabitation" partners. They wear out the nueuro-chemical bonding processes by initiating the bonding chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin over and over with different people; bonding, breaking, bonding, breaking.  They catch a few std's, at least a couple strands of hpv (maybe a cancerous one), most likely gonorrhea-all of which they will probably share with the next one in line. They risk pregnancy and many bring "accidental" children into the world or have abortions. They dramatically increase their likelihood of infidelity and divorce once married. They share all the "intimate" facets of life and acquire all the emotional baggage which this song so generously represents. Finally, they move on to "commitment" and share matching jewelry with somebody and maybe a mortgage, but that's not love. I'm not saying people don't often have good intentions for each other, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

Love is waiting until you see that "one", seeing all their broken pieces and saying, "I'll take it all, everything", not just for now but for always- an exchange of souls, seeing their body as the temple of their soul.

"And deep down I know this never works.

But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."

How likely is it that this guy is going to find "the one"? When he's not even looking/waiting for them? Producing the "big O" with one person generates the exact some "feel-good" bonding chemicals as it does with another person.  And he's just chasing that high. What is "the one" going to feel like? How is he going to bond to them? Honestly, I'm asking, I don't know, cause I haven't been there.  

Often, I feel like a prudish loser in the eyes of the general society, but you know what.  I am so grateful I never performed the most intimate act two people can share (Say Anything, anyone?) simply to satisfy some primitive emotional or physical need.  I've never used anyone or been used like that.  

"And deep down I know this never works.

But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."

The only reason this song isn't tremendously depressing is because the neuro-chemicals in the bonding process initiated by sex (while scientifically irrefutable) can't account for all the "magic" of love, and I believe in the miracle of grace. So, Sam Smith might have some happier and more meaningful songs someday.  I just wouldn't bet money on it.

Link to song for mobile users here.