Haven’t you read, that at the beginning God 'made them male and female,'and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one'?So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together,
let no one separate.
You are hard of heart, but it was not this way from the beginning.
These words of Christ are found in both Matthew (19:4-8) and Mark (10:5-8)
I have come that you may have life and have it to the full.
I'll admit I teared up a little. When you think something is really "abnormal" about yourself, hearing someone else express it is such a precious thing ("I'm nobody, who are you? Are you nobody too?" Emily Dickinson gets it). I never spent the night with any of my mistakes (aka ex-boyfriends) but it always seemed like whenever we did homework it was always in their bedroom and there weren't any chairs...or their roommate had friends over in the living room so they would lead me to the bedroom to watch a movie and shrug saying, "Sorry, all I've got to sit on is the bed, no couch in here." And I'd re-evaluate my rigid boundaries and think, well, we're just sitting, or; he's already put off because I won't have sex with him, whats he going to do if I say I can't sit on a bed with him? But it was never, ever just sitting. I've "watched" so many movies of which I never saw anything beyond the opening credits. But hey, I'm not having sex and all my clothes are on! Thats amazing! Who cares if I'm messing around with a guy with all my clothes on, on top of the covers? Really, what can people say? And heck, it's rather thrilling, and it feels good to be intimate like that, plain and simple. In both men and women, being held for 20 seconds or more stimulates the release of oxytocin, the same bonding chemical released (in higher amounts) during sexual intercourse and breastfeeding; see the official research journal article here or just an overview in the news here.
But being on a bed in any capacity with one of the mistakes/ex-boyfriends never felt right. It just felt dirty and cheap, and I had to talk myself into being "ok" with it. Additionally, it was always when I put myself in those situations that guys would try and push past the boundaries which I was always very careful to spell out to them. It was just dirty, cheap, and risky. But I kept that to myself. I was surely weird enough already; I didn't have to be so neurotic as to tell guys I couldn't be on their bed with them. I tried really hard to be at least semi "normal". And then recently, I was listening to a talk by Jason Evert "How to Date Your Soulmate" (get it here) and he said this:
"Her bed? Don't even sit on her bed. It's not 'just a bed', it's an altar."
I literally jumped up and down and cheered when I first heard that. Amazing! But really, who ever decided all of this "isn't a big deal"? Everything from sharing a bed to sexual intercourse itself, who decided it wasn't a big deal? Shouldn't it be everything in the world just to brush your teeth and crawl into bed next to the person God pre-destined you to become one with, your soulmate? Why is it ok to just share that sort of thing with anyone?
I don't know about you, but I don't want to be insignificant. I want to be a big deal. I want everything about me to be a big deal; mind, body, heart and soul. I want the warmth in bed next to me to be a sacred thing, because that's how God intended it to be. That's what I'm worth.
That's what you are worth.
Who told you that you weren't a big deal? The topography of your skin is hallowed ground. I don't care who has trespassed on it before even if you let them; it doesn't change anything; your body is sacred. To quote Mumford and Sons, my body is the only thing that "keeps my heart and soul in its place". It is our entire presence in this physical world. Your body is sacred, regardless of its physical characteristics. You are precious and priceless. Your body is of infinite value. If you separate your soul from your body what happens? You die. It kills you. Don't let anyone do that to you. Where you lay your body down, where you engage in the most intimate act two people can possibly share, that piece of furniture, it is sacred. So, if you haven't been united in holy matrimony with God as your witness, stay off the bed. Simply because,
you are worth more.
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
Hebrews 13:4
In the words of Christ:
'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,and the two shall become one.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.
Mark 10:7-9 and Matthew 19:5-6
Thank you, Brandon Flowers of The Killers, for this most perfect song:
There's a still in the street outside your window You're keeping secrets on your pillow Let me inside, no cause for alarm I promise tonight not to do no harm I promise you babe, I will do you no harm
And we're caught up in the crossfire of Heaven and Hell And we're searchin' for shelter
Lay your body down Lay your body down Lay your body down
Watching your dress as you turn down the lights I forget all about the storm outside Dark clouds roll their way over town Heartache and pain came a-pouring down like hail, sleet and rain, yeah They're handing it out
And we're caught up in the crossfire of Heaven and Hell And we're searching for shelter
Lay your body down Lay your body down Lay your body down
Lay your body down Lay your body down Lay your body down
And tell the Devil that he can go back from where he came His fiery arrows drew their bead in vain And when when the hardest part is over, we'll be here And our dreams will break the boundaries of our fear The boundaries of our fear
Lay your body down Lay your body down Lay your body down
Lay your body down Lay your body down Lay your body down... next to mine
Now and then there will be a song on the radio that really shows the sad, emotional brokenness of casual sex. There was Bruno Mars' "Young Girls":
"Oh, I still dream of a simple life Boy meets girl, makes her his wife But love don't exist When you live like this That much I know, yes I know. All these roads steer me wrong But I still drive them all night long, all night long"
Neon Trees' "Sleeping with a Friend" absolutely horrified me when I first listened to it. However, after it played over and over on the radio, I had to admit that it was pretty darn catchy. Not only is it catchy, but it is pretty honest about the pathetic lack of self control that can allow physical impulses to blur the lines between "friends" in order to share the comforting imitation of "love" that casual sex provides:
"I said ooh, ooh You got me in the mood, mood I’m scared But if my heart’s gonna break before the night will end I said, ooh, ooh we’re in danger Sleeping with a friend, sleeping with a friend. We are both young, hot-blooded people We don’t wanna die alone Two become one, it could be lethal Sleeping with a friend"
I like its little wink at the eternal truth of two becoming one (echad) as first described in Genesis. Yeah, becoming one with your "friends". Great idea.
My very favorite homage to the sad, brokenness of casual sex is, without a doubt, Sam Smith's new song "Stay with Me":
"Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand But I still need love cause I'm just a man These nights never seem to go to plan I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?"
Ah, the age old lie that because we, as human beings, are simply "highly evolved animals", we "need" sexual satisfaction as a simply undeniable human urge like hunger and thirst; and we are supposed to be good at separating love from sexual intimacy so that we can enjoy promiscuous sex.
"Oh, won't you stay with me?
Cause you're all I need This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me"
Nice, this guy is trying to get this person to spend the night with him in order to fill some temporary emotional needs- selfishly using someone he admits he doesn't love.
"Why am I so emotional?
No it's not a good look, gain some self control And deep down I know this never works But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt"
First, reinforcement of the idea that sexual "intimacy" isn't actually supposed to be emotionally "intimate", awesome. Then, admitting the suppressed truth that casual sex is damaging while continuing to use sex to relieve the pain of that truth.
YES. YES. YES.
Thank you Sam Smith, you have a lovely voice that lends its self well to saturating these lyrics with the depressing angst they demand. Well done.
Doesn't all of us either know or are someone like this? They want to be "with" someone, they want to have sex, they want to have someone fill their needs, they want someone to help pay half their rent, but they don't love the person they are with. What's wrong with us? Yeah, I'll include myself. I haven't had sex with anyone but I've given more of myself, emotionally and physically, than I should have to guys I never loved. I was good at lying to them and myself even. Isn't that what we're all good at? Deceiving ourselves and others? I've definitely been there, "I know this is going to end but I'll make out with you one more time if you'll just hold me a little longer and tell me I'm beautiful." Is that the best we can do? Is that what we want for our children someday? Thats not love. Love doesn't end in fiery turmoil or cold indifference. Love doesn't end. Most relationships are (in my opinion) just repeating one night stands, co-dependent relationships that grow out of people just using each other. I've known plenty of people who were emotionally dependent on their significant others; I've met very few people in love. It is exactly as sad and miserable and pathetic and broken as Sam Smith's song.
And you listen to that song and you want the guy, Sam Smith or this fictional persona he creates, to actually fall in love with someone. Aw poor guy, all lonely and broken in bed with some one he doesn't love. Go fall in love, dude.
"And deep down I know this never works.
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."
So this cycle repeats, right? Today's modern man or woman racks up some one-night stands and flings, some mediocre "long term" relationships, maybe a few "cohabitation" partners. They wear out the nueuro-chemical bonding processes by initiating the bonding chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin over and over with different people; bonding, breaking, bonding, breaking. They catch a few std's, at least a couple strands of hpv (maybe a cancerous one), most likely gonorrhea-all of which they will probably share with the next one in line. They risk pregnancy and many bring "accidental" children into the world or have abortions. They dramatically increase their likelihood of infidelity and divorce once married. They share all the "intimate" facets of life and acquire all the emotional baggage which this song so generously represents. Finally, they move on to "commitment" and share matching jewelry with somebody and maybe a mortgage, but that's not love. I'm not saying people don't often have good intentions for each other, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Love is waiting until you see that "one", seeing all their broken pieces and saying, "I'll take it all, everything", not just for now but for always- an exchange of souls, seeing their body as the temple of their soul.
"And deep down I know this never works.
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."
How likely is it that this guy is going to find "the one"? When he's not even looking/waiting for them? Producing the "big O" with one person generates the exact some "feel-good" bonding chemicals as it does with another person. And he's just chasing that high. What is "the one" going to feel like? How is he going to bond to them? Honestly, I'm asking, I don't know, cause I haven't been there. Often, I feel like a prudish loser in the eyes of the general society, but you know what. I am so grateful I never performed the most intimate act two people can share (Say Anything, anyone?) simply to satisfy some primitive emotional or physical need. I've never used anyone or been used like that.
"And deep down I know this never works.
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."
The only reason this song isn't tremendously depressing is because the neuro-chemicals in the bonding process initiated by sex (while scientifically irrefutable) can't account for all the "magic" of love, and I believe in the miracle of grace. So, Sam Smith might have some happier and more meaningful songs someday. I just wouldn't bet money on it.
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.For:
“Whoever desires to love life
and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from speaking deceit;
let him turn away from evil and do good;
let him seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are open to their prayer.
But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
Now, who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good?But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled,but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil
1 Peter 3:8-17
Photo is actually my own (for a change). Summer, 2013.
Recently perusing Song of Songs (again)…this 2,000+ year old book in the Bible covers SO many aspects of romantic relations still very relevant (especially sex for the purpose of marital intimacy, expressing true love, and pleasure- children are never mentioned). I encourage everyone to read it. The following passage is a nightmare the bride has.
I am having a fit of excitement this Sunday morning. A friend of mine who is also pursuing purity recommended this speaker, Jason Evert, and I finally took the time to listen to his message. She recommended a specific talk that he gave to an audience of college students which can be purchased as an mp3 from Amazon here. Buy it. Do it now. I have watched, listened, and read material that promotes purity/chastity since I was 11 years old, and I have been deeply researching purity/chastity and all the issues surrounding sex for a couple years now, but this is THE BEST. If you don't want to purchase it please go to http://chastityproject.com and watch everything. Jason Evert and his wife bravely share their very different testimonies. Although Jason Evert was a virgin until his marriage at 27 years of age, he has a history of porn use and his wife, Crystalina, was deep into partying and premarital sex before she committed herself to God's intentions and recommitted herself to purity. AMAZING TESTIMONIES. I can't even. My favorite video may be "Made for More" on the Pornography, Etc page under "Breaking Free". Love it. I have nothing further to say. Mind blown. Fireworks in my cranium.
